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US News Ranked Us #3 For a Reason: Here's How to Pee and Poop at the Same Time

By David North
Sept. 24, 2018



This year, in their annual college rankings, U.S. News awarded the University of Chicago a seven-way tie for third-best university. The University of Chicago consistently tops these college rankings for a reason: we can pee and poop at the same time. But trust us, it wasn’t easy. I didn’t know how to pee and poop at the same time myself when I first got here. But now I've learned, and I’m here to help. 

If you already know how to pee and you already know how to poop, then you’re ready to do both at the same time. Let’s review. To pee, you have to squeeze the front butt. To poop, you gotta honk the back butt. Is peeing and pooping at the same time as easy as squeezing the front butt while you honk the back butt? I wish.

To pee and poop at the same time, you have to clench your third butt. I bet you didn’t even know about the third butt! That’s cool - I didn't either when I was a first-year. It’s up the back butt and around the corner. Or three lefts and a right from the front butt. Yup. That’s it right there. Get up in there and clench it. Did you pee and poop at the same time? Good. That means you’re ready for Classics of Social and Political Thought.