In a letter distributed to incoming first-years, the University of Chicago announced new penalties for students caught streaming pornography on university internet connections. The letter signed by Dean of Students John “Jay” Ellison called porn an “inappropriate use of school resources.”
The letter stated that any student caught watching pornography would face harsh disciplinary proceedings in the Dean’s office.
Ellison’s letter clarified which networks would constitute a breach of the new policy. “Students may not use uchicago-secure to stream illicit material and are reminded that their internet connection is associated with their UCID. Students are also prohibited from using uchicago and uchicago-guest networks to watch any sort of adult film. Finally, students may not utilize eduroam in the lonely hours of the dark, dark night because eduroam never fucking works.”
First-year student Alex Johnson was deeply disturbed by the news. “When my RA told me that we couldn’t watch porn on school Wi-Fi, I was pissed. Like, who are you, my mom?” While Johnson’s roommate expressed extreme relief after hearing of the pornography ban, Johnson announced his intention to buy a bigger data package. “I’ll go on LTE, 3G, 2G, 1x. That motherfucker can’t stop me!”
The penalties for pornography use remained vague, but Ellison promised that no infraction would go unpunished. “We know who you are, and we will stop you in your tracks. That means no Pornhub, no Redtube, no xxxzimmerxxxohyeah.com. Not on my watch. And not on your Apple Watch either. Or your laptop. Or your phone. Or your roommate’s laptop.”
“Think of me like Santa,” Ellison’s letter continued. “I can see you when you’re streaming. I know when you wank. I know if you’ve been bad or good, so do not watch porn on university-provided internet connections.”
However, Ellison assured students that other forms of erotic material, including one’s ACT scores, boarding schools, and the unversity's free speech doctrine, were all fair game.
Ellison concluded his letter by reflecting on the positive. “If young men are going to be exposed to the vilest forms of misogyny produced by the grotesque landscape that is the human brain, permanently damaging the social, physical, and emotional wellbeing of their female classmates, we want them to do it off-campus in their fraternity houses. Don’t forget to rush!”