Another year, another Martin Luther King Day without a date. Have you tried every way to get a date who can revere a great American hero with you? Has your self-esteem gone down because of your inability to honor the famed late civil rights activist with a special someone? Do you stare longingly into the distance over the New York Sound searching for the green light that marks the home of your former lover who you crave in order to satisfy your idea of the American dream? If this sounds like you, then you just might be in the same boat as me and thousands of Americans leading up to this Monday. Here at the Shady Dealer, we know how hard it can be to head into January’s premier holiday without someone you care about to celebrate with. Modern society propagates the message that Americans without romantic evening plans on Martin Luther King Jr.’s birthday are less valuable than those who have made their reservation for two, and society got it right on this one. You need a date, and you need a date quick if you wish to avoid the shame that will undoubtedly ensue, but if you stay tuned, our guide might help you achieve your dream.
If this sounds like you, then this guide to the 6 best things to do without a date this MLK Day is for you!
1. Go to St. Olaf College and then drop out
Bummed that you don’t have a date to celebrate the birthday of civil rights activist Martin Luther King Jr.? No problem! An easy fix that has worked wonders for many of my friends is to go to St. Olaf College for about two weeks, and then drop out! It’s an exciting way to get out of a rut and see all the new possibilities out there. Maybe you’ll found a start-up, maybe you’ll work at a café until you meet the love of your life, or maybe you’ll work as a clam digger until you meet a wealthy Captain on lake Superior! The world is yours, and with your newfound confidence you’re sure to get a date this time next year!
2. Enlist in the Army
Try enlisting in the army and winning a medal for your service in the 7th Infantry. You’ve got great manners and an attitude that won’t, make use of your skills to not only fly through the ranks but also to impress potential suitors for the next national holiday to revere the late Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
3. Think about your Ex
I’ll admit, I think about my ex-lovers from time to time too, so don’t be afraid if they keep popping up in the back of your head. It’s perfectly normal for you to seek closure that you didn’t receive while falling love back in Louisville, but don’t drive yourself crazy over it! Thinking about what you liked in your ex is a good way to the find qualities you want in your next partner, and who knows, maybe you’ll like them enough to take them out for a lavish meal on the day that celebrates a man who wasn’t afraid to stand up for the equal rights of his race.
4. Go back to the States
First four steps didn’t do it for you? Never fear, you always have the option to go back to the United States. It’s the Roaring Twenties and nothing could go wrong. You may not have a lot of cash, but life isn’t all about money, it’s about the satisfaction you get from your personal relationships and being who you are. After all, Martin Luther King Jr. wasn’t a wealthy man, but that didn’t stop him from getting a holiday on which you have no date!
5. Decide to get rich
Personal satisfaction is worthless if you don’t have the attention of everyone around you. The rich are the kings of this land and deep down you know that if you can’t make it to the top, then you’re nothing. You start a bootlegging business during the prohibition. You are dynamite. If only MLK could see you now, even he’d agree that you could get a date.
6. Construct a lavish mansion in West Egg
Just because you don’t have a date doesn’t mean you can’t live large! This mansion will symbolize your meteoric rise to the top of the nouveau riche, what you’ve really wanted all this time, right? Sounds like someone has a dream. Plus, remember that ex you can’t stop thinking about? She lives right across the water from you, who’s to say if it’s purposeful or a happy coincidence? You relentlessly try to turn back time to win her back because maybe if you have her, you’ll finally achieve the elusive American dream, or at the very least won’t spend another Monday night alone in mid-to-late January.
You are Jay Gatsby. You are cash. You are money. You are unstoppable. If you’ve completed steps 1-6, you are ready for anything, and will be able to get any date you want to celebrate the birthday one of America’s greatest civil rights activist who died fighting for the inherent equality between the races, but who would also be disappointed to see the regression of progress in recent times. Regardless of whether Martin Luther King Jr. would approve of modern race relations or not, you have everything you need, and unless your crazed ex accidentally runs over her husband’s side-piece, you’ll have MLK Day dates for years to come.