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Security Alert and Other Musings

By Antonia Salisbury
Nov. 2, 2018

Associate Vice President for Safety & Security, Eric M. Heath, and his lesser known, but equally influential twin brother, Erin N. Heath, are opponents within the world of crime management. For Hyde Park-ers without a CNetID, here’s a recent email from Erin N. to the neighborhood at large.

To: Members of the University community

From: Erin N. Heath, Associate Vice President of Committing Every Crime

Date: November 1, 2018

What’s it like to be Momma’s favorite, Eric M.? What’s it like to cast a shadow over your younger twin brother, a little black sheep who can’t catch a break? I’m sad, Eric M., and it’s time to make a change.

At approximately 7:20 a.m., Wednesday, October 25, 2018 – I awoke from an exquisite dream. I dreamt that you were a tiny bug, Eric M., and I squashed you. But once you were all squashed and dead, I was still not fulfilled. And so, the time has come for me to realize my full potential.

As of this week, I am promoting myself from Vice President of Committing Every Crime to President. I plan on stealing twice the number of bike tires in half the time. Or at least as many thefts as my sick, spiteful body can manage. That’s double the incident reports for your strong, athletic thumbs to type. Hope you can keep pace. You always were a beautiful dancer.

“You should try to be more like your brother,” they said. “You should solve the crimes. It pays more,” they said. Well, who’s laughing now? Not me. I’m a hardened criminal with a taste for danger and no annual salary. I’m the Mary Kate to your Ashley, the fox to your hound, and the other person on your University healthcare plan. Equal and opposite forces attract, Eric M., but I’m always one step ahead. What? They didn’t teach you to Viennese Waltz in the Police Academy?

Maybe someday when I’m old and tired of this 9:00 p.m. to 5:00 a.m. grind, I’ll build a cabin out of the Androids I accidentally stole when I only wanted iPhones. Only then will I be able to play Clash of Clans from fifty different user accounts in peace.

Watch me fly Momma, watch me fly.


Erin N. Heath

Vice President of Committing Every Crime