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Articles written by Ella Hester

Horoscopes: Marxist Tattoo Edition

By Ella Hester    Jan. 29, 2018   

Ready to show off your everlasting love for your SOSC buddy, Marx? Here's your guide to picking the commie tattoo that best represents you! Aries: Adam Smith's Hand on Fire Put this gem on your bicep so everyone knows about your fiery dedication to the cause! Leo: "M" Next to Your Mouth Face tattoo? Bold. But you know what you're about. Money exchanged means money earned, and that's got to change!...

Zero Waste Redemption: How I Fit a Year of My Trash in a Mason Jar

By Ella Hester    Jan. 29, 2018   

When I went zero waste at the beginning of 2017, I wasn't just embarking on a fresh start: I was literally running from the law! I needed a clean, new lifestyle--preferably one that involved minimizing any evidence of my existence. One year in, I've decided to release my trash mason jar from its home in the safe buried in my garden in order to reflect on my successes and failures in this new life...

5 Fall Activities That Will Give You a UTI

By Ella Hester    Oct. 17, 2017   

The air is crisp, the leaves are falling, and you are definitely going to get a UTI. Urinary tract infections are incredibly common for people of all genitalia, so here are five things to look out for to avoid the painful feeling of your urethra falling out of your body. 1. Jumping in a Pile of Leaves This one isn't as obvious as it seems. You may be tempted to jump into that pile of leaves in the...

Columbian Exposition Artifacts the Obama Center Doesn't Want You To Know About

By Ella Hester    April 20, 2018   

Historians are rejoicing while the Obamas are gasping in horror! As the Obama Presidential Center and Library gears up to break ground, archaeologists have found many relics from the 1893 World's Columbian Exposition held in Jackson Park. However, not every found scrap has made it into the headlines. The Obamas have done everything in their power to prevent the following artifacts from making it i...

Boyer Heartbroken Over Death of His Tamagotchi

By Ella Hester    Nov. 18, 1998   

Chicago, 1997 In breaking news, the Chicago Shady Dealer is sorry to report the death of Dean Boyer's Tamagotchi, Habsburg aka "Habsy." Habsy was in the "Teen" stage of the Tamagotchi Life Cycle and was five days, six hours, seven minutes, and thirty six seconds old at the time of his passing. We joined Dean Boyer, still in mourning, for a wistful afternoon walk on the quad. Dressed in all b...

Student Government: U-PASS to Be Replaced by U-BER

By Ella Hester    May 25, 2018   

Starting in the 2018-2019 school year, students in the College will have the option of choosing an alternative to the U-PASS: the U-BER. This new program will cover all Uber expenses for students on rides that are valued below $5 and above $25. The initiative was proposed by a Student Government member who remarked in a meeting, "Where even is the Red Line, anyway?"  The campus is divided over...

Op-Ed: Bill Gates, Support Journalism On-Campus by Setting Up a Trust Fund For Us

By Ella Hester    May 25, 2018   

Dear Bill Gates, Thank you so much for buying property near our storied university. We have no clues as to your motivations, so we're hoping you just like us for who we are! We do, however, feel the need to inform you that there is another Hyde Park institution worthy of your support: The Chicago Shady Dealer.  When we first heard the clang of one thousand (?) piggy banks ringing out, we im...

An Ode to Our Only Reader

By Ella Hester    May 25, 2018   

Hey Ed Zamb You're the manb You have a son named Teddy And a heart that's ready To 'like' our pieces Your support never ceases Never leave us, O, Ed You are our bread And butter, while it melts, we have no doubts that Zamborskys will always be almost certainly the backbone-sky of our self-esteemsky