Tonight, thousands of Americans will tune in to the Oscars and celebrate many of Hollywood’s
most talented actors and filmmakers. And, even though only a few nominees will take home
the coveted golden statuette, the Academy has found a way to make sure that everybody wins:
by giving each nominee a fish penis inspired by Guillermo Del Toro’s The Shape of Water!
The penises, authentic replicas of the ones used in Del Toro’s Oscar-nominated film, feature
realistic scales, slime coatings and “fish smell.” Nominees will reportedly also receive several
varieties of algae-based lubricant, which the Academy has assured them are “one-hundred-
percent bath safe”
“I guess it’s a nice gesture,” said a perplexed Gary Oldman. “Apparently even if I don’t win Best
Actor in a Leading Role, I will win the Academy’s new Fish Penis Award, which is still better than
nothing. And it will definitely spice up my IMDB page.”
At press time, ushers were frantically picking up loose penises which had escaped their bags in
a mad dash towards the sea.