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New Health Trend: Hiring a Sensei to Kick Your Ass

By Nik Varley
Jan. 19, 2018

Kicking my ass

Image by Aubrey Christofersen 

There's a new health craze going around, and it's not what you think! Fed up with demanding diets, cleanses and workout routines, many of today's heath-conscious professionals are simply hiring an elite kung fu sensei to kick the ever-loving shit out of them every week. Wow!

What could be more nourishing and invigorating than having a martial arts master absolutely whoop your ass? It's the perfect solution! Rather than starve through an entire month-long cleanse eating nothing but vegetables and light broth, you can have the negative energy forcibly blasted out of your body in a series of furious punches and kicks delivered directly to your most sensitive areas. So efficient! The toxins will leak right out of you, along with various other bodily fluids as you recover from a ferocious sensei attack!

And don't even get me started on the mental health benefits! Before I personally started seeing a sensei, I found that I was constantly dwelling on inconsequential worries and anxieties. However, I've found that these trivialities are washed from my mind in a torrent of pure fear when, once a week, I see Midnight Tiger slowly advancing towards me from the opposite side of a locked room. I know that Midnight Tiger, a tenth degree black belt, will show no mercy as he pummels me into total submission, and the terror I experience as he lands his first expertly-placed karate chop really puts the rest of my issues into perspective.

In fact, many have found that being routinely pounded by a stone-faced two-hundred-fifty-pound sensei has led them to positive emotional changes in their personal lives. This makes total sense; who wouldn't feel a great appreciation for the miraculous beauty and fragility of life after being beaten with surgical precision by an unstoppable mountain of human muscle? After experiencing such intense physical pain, who couldn't help but open their heart to the uncaring bosses, catty friends and overbearing parents in their life? Every moment is a wonderful joy, except for those moments in which you are instantly knocked unconscious after receiving a flying kick directly to the groin.

Of course, one cannot forget the spiritual benefits as well. My faith in a guiding spiritual Creator has never been stronger, for who but The Creator could have designed a being so perfectly designed to absolutely and completely pulverize me the way my sensei does? Such a being must exist, and it must smile as it sees its creation kick the ever-loving shit out of my ass every Tuesday from 8 to 9 a.m. before work.

That said, if you don't think that being beaten senseless by a sensei is for you, there are other options. Many people who were dissatisfied with their sensei experience have instead opted to have a six-hundred-pound sumo wrestler sit directly on their face twice a week--apparently it works wonders!