In an unusual twist on an American classic, the family of third year Jane Wallis has announced that they will be cooking and eating her instead of their traditional turkey dinner this Thanksgiving. Wallis, who told the Dealer that she is a vegan no less than fourteen times in a two minute interview, also vocalized her support for the decision.
“I’ve been advocating against turkey terror in my household and in households across America ever since I can remember. Meat is murder and if cooking me means that my family will save one cute, snuggly, soft-as-tofu turkey from a brutal carnal death, then it means I’ve made a step against the Blood-Guts-Mutilation-Zuckerberg-Environmental-Death-War-Tears Machine, and it will be worth it.” Following this statement, Wallis broke into sobs and crushed an entire head of lettuce between her teeth. When reminded that turkeys are actually fucking aggressive little beasts, Wallis proceeded to chant various vegan slogans she claimed to have found on the internet including “Don’t eat anything that once had a face!” and “My plate is humane!”
Now that the Wallis family’s plates will indeed become humane by newly becoming human this Thursday, Wallis’ younger brother, Charlie, summarized his thoughts as, “If we eat her, then she’ll stop talking about chicken periods and pus at the dinner table,” before turning to watch his older sister punt a small child eating a hamburger into a nearby tree.
Wallis’ mother, Aria, who will be tasked with the preparation of her daughter, the falsified fowl, noted, “I’m so glad she’s taking a stand for something she believes in…but I do think Thanksgiving will be nicer when all we have to worry about is what racist thing my brother-in-law is going to say instead of whether Jane will protest again.”
Indeed, last year at dinner, protest was on the menu, as Wallis chained herself to the oven wearing only the skins of the twenty-five pound turkey that her mother and grandmother had lovingly prepared in a testament to the bonds of family at the holidays. “I screamed for two hours straight that they were blood-thirsty hell-demons plunging their family into the fiery waters of carcinogenic muck-mucus,” Wallis explained. “It got the message across but my mom said I made my grandma uncomfortable.”
At press time, PETA, or People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, commented only, “Holy hell, this is not what we meant,” and Vegan Action, an organization devoted to certifying products as vegan, was too busy setting a Baskin-Robbins on fire to be reached for comment.