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Kim and Kanye West Move to Hyde Park

By Sylvia Ebenbach
Dec. 5, 2018

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have already begun their move to the cold, dreary city of Chicago and have chosen an optimal location that fully embodies the weather: the University of Chicago. They decided to trade the internalized sadness of Californians for the outward displeasure of UChicago students. 

The power couple has been spotted around campus, but it’s hard to tell the difference between them and the other students because they never smile either. After Kanye dropped President Trump as his best friend (maybe long distance was too hard after all), it's a waiting game to see which old white male he will ally with next. Dean Boyer is always a strong choice, but President Zimmer is supposedly on the short list. 

West is allegedly a huge fan of the "free expression" message from the administration but doesn't seem to fully understand it in practice. He keeps interrupting people in the middle of their argument with his go-to “Imma let you finish, but” and ranting long enough that they forget their point anyway. 

It is also rumored that a new album is in the works. Possible album names include "(I Can’t Wait Until) Graduation," "The Life of Boyer," and "College Dropout 2: the Remix." 

West also plans to replace all the UChicago gear in the bookstore with Yeezy merch. However, there are concerns that the holes in many of the collection’s pieces might cause problems for students during the winter.

 Additionally, West says he will even perform at the Summer Breeze concert later this year if the school will let him rename North Campus after his daughter North West. 

Speaking of the kids, North and Saint have been seen running around the dining hall and crawling under tables with the other children. Do not be surprised when you see them playing hide and seek under the chairs! As for their baby, Chicago, we will have to wait on her opinion of living at a university named after herself. 

Echoing the feelings of many first-years, the transition has been hard for Kardashian. She has no clue what to wear as the weather gets colder, and after having exhausted the photo shoot opportunities provided by a pile of fall leaves, she has been lacking ideas for her Instagram feed. She tried to go out to bar night on a Wednesday but left confused about why instead of being paid to be there, the only money exchanged was to pay for the drinks. 

Kardashian was heard saying, “Is this how frat parties are supposed to work?” 

However, she was proud to hear her husband’s latest hit "I Love It" played at least 43 times over the course of an hour. 

Needless to say, Kim misses her sisters greatly. For that reason, she plans to rush a sorority next fall. It is predicted she will join Kappa Alpha Theta - that way she can continue with the "K" theme. Stay tuned to see the drama unfold on a future episode of Keeping up with the Kappa.