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Karl Lagerfeld Distraught to Discover Heaven Uniform Includes Sweatpants

By Sophia Lubarr
Feb. 20, 2019



 Karl Lagerfeld, legendary Chanel director and force unto himself, passed away today at a very fashionable and critically acclaimed 85.


A source informed the Dealer that Lagerfeld swept up the tunnel to the Pearly Gates in his signature slim suit, ponytail and sunglasses. “I’m not wearing these sunglasses because of the blinding light at the end of this tunnel. I’m wearing them because they look good,” he shouted into the infinite.


“Ugh, athleisure,” Lagerfeld remarked to St. Peter, clad in flowing white robes, then handed him an empty Coke Zero can. “Deal with this.” He breezed past the saint and threw the Pearly Gates open, and sauntered into Heaven.


“I’m not really sure where he got the Coke Zero,” Saint Peter told us. “We’re not in the material realm. There’s no food here.”


When asked about Lagerfeld’s qualifications to get into Heaven, Saint Peter shrugged. “It turns out when you look cool as hell you just get into Heaven. Even if you’re an asshole! What can I say — I don’t make the rules.”  


Upon entering Heaven, Lagerfeld is reported to have made his way to the palace on high to meet with God concerning his next season. “I’ll stop working when I’m dead,” he announced.


Gabriel (as told to the Dealer) reminded Lagerfeld that he is dead. He replied, “Whatever. You’re a bit too chubby for your opinion to matter.” Gabriel also reminded the Dealer that as an angel his form is incomprehensible to human eyes.


Lagerfeld was horrified to encounter God wearing grey sweats and a grey crewneck with the word “HEAVEN” printed on the back. The beaming Lord handed Lagerfeld a matching outfit. “We all wear these up here!”


God explained that Lagerfeld “visibly gagged” at the sight of the uniform. “It was quite disheartening,” He said. “I loved Chanel’s 2013 Pre-Fall show, and I was hoping he’d like what I have to offer.”


“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again,” said Lagerfeld. “Sweatpants are a sign of defeat. They’re a sign you’ve lost control of your life.”


The groutfitted God attempted to comfort him: “Technically you have lost control of your life. And were, in a sense, defeated. Look, Heaven is a place for comfort and rest, where we can all join together in harmony, rich and poor, beautiful and ugly, young and old, for eternity.”


Lagerfeld was aghast. “I have to spend eternity with ugly people?”