This past Sunday, Jeff Bezos’s wife of 25 years, MacKenzie, found something extra when she was checking the couple’s order backlog. “I was just scrolling through our Amazon orders, wondering if the Upright GO Posture Trainer(TM) I’d ordered four weeks ago had come in, and there it was: one alive girl. I’m beyond words, horrified. To think the man you love could use Amazon like this. I’ve learned you can’t trust anyone, ever, without looking at their full Amazon purchasing history."
Jeff had apparently ordered a similar, more updated version of “alive girl” after finding himself “completely bored” with the one he ordered 25 years ago. “The last one just sat there, nagging me about the kids after work. It got to the point where it was just two nagging voices without a body between. That’s actually where I got the idea for Alexa from.”
He added, “This time I wanted something I could breathe and feel and love with my body, not just my soul. I wanted an alive girl.” The two models bear an almost uncanny resemblance, to the degree by which one might even question if the new alive girl was worth paying $67 billion in return shipping fees—making it the most expensive Amazon purchase in the company’s history. However, the newer, refurbished model does come with some new features.
It now has a feature called: “I love you.” This feature purportedly broke on the first model after the events of this weekend. (And sex, lots of it. Lots of really crazy sex. Sex, anywhere. Yes. Really, anywhere. Like even the night of your son’s MIT graduation ceremony.)
At the time of release, Bezos stood with his now estranged wife MacKenzie, blaming the order on Alexa. “I had said ‘a live grill’! Not girl!! I wanted better steaks I could feel with my techno-fingers and smell, not an affair!"
“While I understand Amazon proprietary has the best voice-recognition quality on the market, this clearly points to problems in the overall field. With my remaining $67 billion dollars, I plan to invest heavily in voice-recognition services. From now on little technological errors won’t ruin the lives of honest, hard-working men like me, leaving even the most deserving and powerful with the petty fortunes of small men.”