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How to Pretend to be Thankful Even Though Deep Down You're a Brat

By Audrey Fromson
Nov. 22, 2018

toddler

 

If you’re having trouble suppressing the brat in you this Thanksgiving, you’re not alone. Read on to find out how to fake it until you make it or Thanksgiving is over.

Adopt an attitude of gratitude

So what you find out that your younger sister deleted every episode of the Great British Bake Off from your DVR to make space for Catfish reruns?! Now you have more quality time to spend with your grandma so she tell you the story about her youth that you’ve heard 90 other times!

Mask your criticism as compliments

End every sentence with, “I’m saying this because I love you,” even if what is about to come out of your mouth is middle-school-bully-level mean. Aunt decide to get bangs? And cut them herself? We both know that you’re not going to filter your reaction, so tattoo this phrase on your middle finger for backup.

Fake introspection

Say you’re thankful for the shittiest parts of your life to make it appear as though you’ve gained perspective and appreciate a challenge. Find out that your brother moved into your room while you were at college? Not to fear, killing the basement cockroaches is building character. Plus, it’s like playing the Wii in real life! Lucky duck!

Say you’re a team player without following through

Sure, you said that you would “dress the turkey,” but being at home surrounded by your childhood books is bringing out the Amelia Bedelia in you. Go shopping instead. The turkey would look so cute in that dress you’ve been eyeing at Forever 21.

Leave a trace

If anyone tries to call bullshit on your bullshit, you’re going to want receipts. Hide your holiday gift wish list and strategically place a manifesto titled “Gifts for the People I’m Grateful For” on the kitchen table. Act surprised when everyone finds it. As an insurance measure, add “homemade” to the footnotes.



I wish you the best of luck this Thanksgiving, but not that much luck because I still want some left over for me. I totally get that being a brat isn’t easy. In fact, I’m not being commissioned to write this advice, but I’m thankful because it’s preparing me for life as a Creative Writing Major.