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How to Communicate with Your Parents Through Your Amazon Order History

By Audrey Fromson
Oct. 27, 2018

It’s amazingly easy to forget about the people who brought us into this world.

Ghosting my parents is my fatal flaw; while it makes me seem cool and mysterious, it also annoys the fuck out of them. However, I’m pleased to share that I applied my critical thinking skills and developed a new method for staying in touch with them. The best part is that it doesn’t require a cell phone. might be the digital equivalent of the impulse-buy aisle of CVS, but it is more useful than it might appear. I’ve been using my family’s Amazon account order history to say the things I don’t say over the phone. Find out how Amazon helps me send messages to my parents and decipher theirs as well.

Item: Wee-Wee Pads

Buyer: Parents

What it says: Once you left again for college, we realized how much we actually missed someone constantly needing our attention with no reciprocated emotional support. We got a puppy!

What it actually says: We’ve decided to exchange one bitch with another.

Item: Smart Meal Prep for Beginners

Buyer: Audrey

What it says: Mom, I’m doing okay living off campus! Not only do I have a newfound passion for cooking, but I also know my limits. Notice “for beginners”.

Buyer: Parent, specifically maternal unit

What it says: I’m finally Taking Time For Myself and learning Tai Chi. What’s more? I’m converting your bedroom into my new at-home studio.

Item: Spain travel guide (pocket size!)

Buyer: Audrey

What it says: Since our communication is already so weak, I think it would be interesting to go abroad spring quarter to test just how far I can push the not-being-in-touch envelope (I hope you have international stamps).

Lonely planet? More like lonely parent!

This Family Weekend, I hope I’ve helped you understand how to evaluate how you communicate with the important people in you life. And not to worry, if you don’t have an Amazon account, you can always analyze what’s been brewing in the “continue watching” section of your shared Netflix account.