Shady Dealer Banner


Four Freakish Stress-Induced Bodily Phenomena You Will Experience at This School

By Ella Hester
Sept. 24, 2018

Student Health


Chronic "Gym Bro" Syndrome

Some experts say that exercise is an incredibly efficient stress reliever. But they weren't conducting their studies here in The Upside Down! Some will fall into an addictive cycle of stress, lift, stress, lift, while for others it will be stress, zumba, stress, zumba, whatever rocks your frigid boat! You will make ALL the gains while furiously scrolling through Twitter on the StairMaster while avoiding your never-ending responsibilities until you resemble a walking, talking set of muscles with no head. That'll put all the nerds around you at ease.

Sympathy Zits

Inevitably, you will get horrible, painful cystic acne all over your face and body. But one day your skin will run into a creative rut. Where to torture you next? While we have tools like Instagram for trendy fashion inspiration, all our bodies have for inspiration are other bodies! Don't be surprised when you get zits that are placed mirror image opposite your closest friends', classmates', and teachers' blemishes. Maybe you are an empath superstar! Or maybe your body is broken. Get people to start calling you The Pimple Thief, become a celebrity, and quit school! It could work!

Long, White Hairs That Grow Out of Your Back Overnight

Have no fear! We here at the Dealer have done the research. You don't have cancer. Bodies just do this sometimes when they're really stressed out! Yes, we know because we found a study where this happened to psychologically tortured rats. No, you shouldn't go around telling people you're turning into a werewolf like it's cool. 

Keep Shrinking Until You Disappear

This could literally happen to your body, metaphorically to your self-esteem, or both! No quantity of power poses or stretching machines can save you from this fate, my friend. Your posture and bone density will fall lower than your most elderly relatives'. When someone lightly bumps into you, you will violently crash into the ground, forgetting to break your fall because you are frozen in embarrassment. You will know you have lost all sense of self-worth when someone accidentally walks in on you in the Mansueto bathroom while you are wiping your ass and afterwards you will ask yourself: did that really happen? Because you feel nothing. No humiliation, no titillation, nothing. If that had happened a year ago, it would've haunted you for months. Now, you'll think you have transcended the human weakness of self-esteem when in reality you have descended even lower to the deepest circle of hell where the privilege of experiencing emotion has been stripped away from you.