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Disgusting Sewer Mutants Emerge During Night to Write UChicago Secrets

By Nik Varley
April 20, 2018

Investigative journalists for the Chicago Shady Dealer have discovered the source of the grotesque and inflammatory posts frequently submitted to the popular UChicago Secrets Facebook page: a large, writhing colony of sewer mutants who live beneath the streets of Hyde Park. The Dealer can confirm that these unfortunate creatures—some sallow and eel-like, others resembling partially squashed insects—make a nightly journey from the Chicago sewer system to the city surface in order to sneak into Regenstein Library and write that night’s batch of secrets.

 “Yeah, I saw one of them yesterday on the A-Level while I was pulling an all-nighter,” said first year student Asher Ferguson. “It was oozing raw sewage directly from its hands onto the keyboard while it described how minorities should act around the police--totally nauseating.”

“At first I thought about trying to help it, it looked like it was in so much pain,” explained fourth year Deborah Pines, who spotted a mutant in the Logan Center.  “But then I saw that it was writing a ten-paragraph screed describing how women wouldn’t get sexually assaulted if they stopped wearing miniskirts, and I knew I had to get out of there. Don’t even get me started on the smell.”

Eyewitness reports confirmed that several mutants completed their nightly debauchery by writing lewd comments in the Harper men’s bathroom stalls and stealing all of the spoons from Bartlett. When reached for comment, the sewer mutants emitted a series of highly unpleasant screeching and grinding sounds from what appeared to be mouth-like organs, from which they proceeded to eject a black, globular substance that was then quickly harvested by Dining Hall staff for what remains, at this point, unknown purposes.

At press time, the sun was rising over Hyde Park and a swarm of cherubic angels was descending from the heavens to write the day’s UChicago Crushes.