Shady Dealer Banner

Menu

Days Before Christmas, Santa Claus Forced to Halt Gift Production Due to Government Shutdown

By Delilah Stellavic
Dec. 23, 2018

When President Trump vetoed the Congressional budget plan that would have kept the federal government functioning through the end of 2018, he ensured the temporary closure of ten public agencies — among them, Santa’s workshop, indefinitely halting the assembly line production of holiday presents and placing over 400,000 elves on involuntary furlough just days before Christmas. 

“Trump’s vanity shutdown is absolute madness,” Santa told this reporter over milk and chocolate chip cookies at his home in the North Pole, his trademark jolly demeanor replaced by a defeated gloom that, according to Mrs. Claus, is typically reserved for the depressing days after Christmas, when the crushing responsibility of reproducing the joy of Christmas next year for the bulk of the world’s ever-ballooning population settles upon him. 

“From the separation of refugee families at the Mexican border to the United Nations report that claims that we only have 12 years before we start seeing severe effects of climate change, 2018 has been a particularly tumultuous year for American families,” Santa said, shaking his head. “A government shutdown will further deprive people of Christmas magic at a time when they need it more than ever.” 

Furthermore, Santa “found it a bit funny” that the Trump Administration has promised substantial tax breaks to Amazon, a firm which he considers to be his operation's primary competitor, while hampering his publicly-funded workshop's ability to efficiently perform the essential service of global Christmas gift delivery. 

“It wouldn’t surprise me if this ‘War on Christmas’ was just another Washington scheme to pander to the private sector at the expense of the American public,” Santa sighed. 

Elf Bella Frost, floor manager of one of Santa’s fifty state-of-the-art industrial factories, said that she found the shutdown “maddening” due to its proximity to Christmas Eve. 

“This week should be 'crunch time,' and it’s frustrating to be stuck sipping hot cocoa and nibbling marshmallows in my cottage when I should be working around the clock to ensure that everything is ready for the big day. Luckily, most of the world's toys have already been produced, but there are hundreds of thousands of stuffed animals, electronics, and board games in there still waiting to be assembled and packaged in 100% certified recycled wrapping paper,” she said, gesturing to the darkened factory, which, according to Frost, is equipped with the latest productivity-maximizing and energy-efficient manufacturing technology.

Santa reassured the Shady Dealer that regardless of the ability of the federal government to adequately do its one job, his sleigh, loaded with gifts for millions of children around the world, will still be taking off on Christmas Eve. 

“With the way that the Trump administration is slashing healthcare benefits for the elderly, I don’t know how many more Christmases I have left,” Santa said, his glistening eyes belying his age, which is estimated to be in the low thousands of years. “The elves and I are going to make this work,” he said determinedly. 

Thus far, Santa’s team is doing just that: Santa, like President Trump, built his fortune long before transitioning to his current role and accepts a symbolic salary of $1 per year, so an extended shutdown won't affect his ability to perform his Yuletide duties. 

Due to the temporary shuttering of the taxpayer-funded stable, Santa’s nine reindeer are currently being housed by volunteer elf families. Though Santa acknowledged that Christmas Eve may feel a bit haphazard, he stated in a press conference: “I fully plan to slide down the chimney of every deserving boy, girl, or non-binary child in the world and bring their Christmas dreams to life.”