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Clueless First Year Finds Himself in Rural Kentucky after Boarding Shuttle Bus

By Sammy Elmasri and Will Jaffe
Nov. 11, 2018

First-year Danny Fenton anticipated an expedited trip when he boarded the South Shuttle, but disaster struck as he mistakenly got off at its Kentucky Stop, which as every seasoned student knows, is the last stop before the shuttle returns to the Reynolds Club.

“I was wondering why it was taking me so long to get to Cathey,” Danny told the Dealer. “After two hours of driving, I decided to get off and walk the rest of the way. Who knew the South Shuttle actually goes to Kentucky?”

We do. In fact, everybody knows, Danny. All UChicago shuttle routes were clearly outlined in Dean Boyer’s O-Week Welcoming Speech. You should have listened, Danny. Everyone else did.

Danny continued, “Once a guy on the road introduced himself as Colonel Sanders, I knew something was wrong. I tried to get back on the bus, but it had already veered away by the time I turned around. I tried to run after it, but the bus driver was laughing maniacally, making unbroken eye contact with me as she disappeared over the horizon.”

As every Transloc user knows, the South Shuttle makes regular stops at Goose Creek, Kentucky in four hour intervals. Danny, foolishly, did not have Transloc.

“I thought that if I walked back, maybe I could make it back in time for fourth meal,” Danny admitted. “I made it back for lunch five days later.”

Danny barely survived. UCPD found Danny limping back to campus covered in raccoon bites. He survived several gunshot wounds.

Unfortunately, Danny has made a full recovery. He is now struggling to make up for all the work he missed. “I wish the raccoon had killed me,” he whined.

For lazy “people” like Danny, here is a list of stops on the South Shuttle Bus Route: Reynolds Club; North; Cathey; International House; Goose Creek, Kentucky; and then back to Reynolds Club.

Additionally, recent changes have been made to the North Campus Shuttle Route. The revised version is as follows: Reynolds Club; Max P; 54th and Greenwood; Lake Park; The Reg; Murry, Wisconsin; the Quadrangle; Lake Wales, Florida; and then back to Reynolds Club. But if you had Transloc, you would know that already.

We hope our coverage of the well-deserved fate of Danny Fenton has taught any directionally-challenged students to pay more attention to the great shuttles that serve our own University of Chicago.