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Chief Keef Devours Entire Chicago Rap Scene

By Robby Zissner
May 25, 2018

South Side music icon Chief Keef shocked the world this Tuesday when he ate the entire Chicago rap community.

Dealer sources report that the incident began when fellow rapper Lil Durk accused Chief Keef of being “all bark, no bite,” to which Chief replied, “I’ll show you bite.” He then stuffed the twenty-two year old trap artist into his unhinged jaws. Since then, Keef has been terrorizing the Chicago rap world, feasting on musicians and expanding his body to massive proportions.

As a result of his diet, Chief has acquired a number of supernatural powers, including the ability to shoot Xanax from his hands and to speak in the voices of the damned.

Asked for his perspective on the matter, Chief Keef turned from the half-consumed body of R. Kelly to reply, “We Are Legion, Soon All Will Be Keef.”

The most recent victims of Chief’s rampage are University of Chicago rappers Blue Bobby and OT&D, who were scarfed down this morning. A spokesman for Blue Bobby assured the Dealer that he was honored to have been devoured by such a visionary artist, and that conditions in Chief's stomach were accommodating.

Priests have attempted to exorcise the demonic spirit in possession of Keef’s soul, but all attempts have met with failure because Chief Keef is actually a demon himself. In that regard, parents across the Midwest had their fears validated by the discovery that Chief’s most recent studio album, Bang 3, which sounds like scary mumbling when played forwards, if played backwards at triple speed, turns out to sound like even scarier mumbling.

Music critics agree that after absorbing the power of over 500 Chicago-area lyricists, the sky’s the limit for the young Mr. Keef, who is now the size of a small bus.