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Campus Casualties Escalate in War on Christmas

By Rahul Gupta
Dec. 5, 2018

Dozens of students were sent to the University of Chicago hospital after a heated debate over the holiday season exploded into yet another battle in the global War on Christmas. Twenty-three students suffered serious sword wounds and burns, while another twenty students received at least minor cuts and abrasions.

A spokesperson for the University of Chicago Police Department provided a statement to the Shady Dealer

“Students were heard arguing about the designs on Starbucks cups at approximately 1:32 in the morning on the Midway. Loud shouting about 'erasing Christian values,' 'political correctness,' and 'separation of church and state' were reported to police by residents of fraternity houses, who complained that they were being distracted from the serious work of their licentious debauchery. Police were dispatched and found several young men and women furiously swinging broadswords at each other. We are still investigating what caused the incident.”

We spoke to one student who was injured in the battle, Andrew Mannenheim, as he was walking out of the hospital with Christmas-colored bandages on his arms. 

“I was prepared to engage in rational discourse,” said Mannenheim, “but when I heard someone wish me ‘Happy Holidays,’ I just couldn’t take it. A patriotic American patriot of patriotism like me shouldn’t have to tolerate this vile idolatry.” 

Mannenheim then walked off down the street, caressing his Santa hat lovingly as if it were a manifestation of godly power.

We spoke to another student involved in the melee, Tricia McMillan, who told us, “I don’t get why this happened at all. I just said that ‘Christmas didn’t start as a Christian holiday’ and suddenly these people try to pile-drive me? What on earth happened to me?” 

Several minutes later, McMilan still didn’t have a coherent explanation, but then again, we don’t either.

The University administration has not commented on these developments, maintaining a studied silence. However, the Scav committee has offered extra Scav points to anyone who can cause a similar conflict as a result of the Latke-Hamantash debate.