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Bookstore Adds Hard Liquor to School Supply Section

By Oliva Reeves
Nov. 2, 2018

Following numerous requests from students doing last-minute back-to-school shopping, the UChicago Bookstore announced this week that it will add a selection of liquor to its already-expansive merchandise collection. 

The school supply section currently features such necessities as sequined throw pillows, handmade wallets, and one of the five books you need for SOSC. Now, the campus staple plans to add another campus staple to its offerings: easy-access handles of the strongest alcohol Maroon Dollars can buy.

Those wishing to tackle the Language and the Human lecture with the same reckless and medically ill-advised verve with which they attacked first week bar night can now do so between the hours of 8:00 a.m. and 6:00 p.m. 

Stop in for a delicious iced coffee at the nearby Starbucks, show your school spirit by purchasing logo-ed attire, then find your school spirits upstairs next to the Emergency Medicine textbooks.

Store manager Kyle Johnson noted that requests for handles doubled between fall and winter quarters last year. The delay was only caused by in-store confusion. 

“We thought the students were pushing for themed door handles," said Johnson in an email. "We already have a line of power tools, religious paraphernalia, and home medical supplies, all with the phoenix crest slapped on them, so we figured this was just the next logical step.” 

Now that the confusion is over, students can get to class with the Marx-Engels Reader in one hand and enough Malibu to actually get through talking about it in the other.

Administration supports this intoxicating venture, having already added a beginner’s mixology course to the O-Week programming for next year. 

Dean of Students John “Jager Bomb” Ellison is particularly excited about the change, claiming, “Finally, I won’t be the most problematic thing about this place!” 

Suggestions have also been made to replace the iconic Doing Honest Work In College with a more relevant Drink, Drank, Drunk: The College Alcohol Guide. At press time, there was still no word on whether, like Honest Work, anyone would actually read it.