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University Completes 80-Year Burton-Judson Hyphenation Project

By Thomas Noriega
March 2, 2017

In a university-first eventFor the first time in the In a university-first event, our oldest south-side dorm has been hyphenated from the ground-up. After the runaway successes of super-houses Dodd-Mead and Linn-Mathews, the university has announced that, on day-one of the 2017-2018 school year, newly-minted Maroons will be able to live in the brand-new houses of Chamberlin-Vincent and Coulter-Salisbury.

Utilizing the same revolutionary fire-escape-based method of unification that linked the first two super-houses, Chamberlin-Vincent will experience a problem-free unification. Coulter-Salisbury, currently composed of two non-adjacent houses, will have a state-of-the-art High-Gothic fire-escape assembled in the B-J courtyard to facilitate travel.

“We are excited to create a brand-new sense of house culture in our second-oldest dorm,” said Jean-Pierre Louis-David, the graduate chairman of the joint Housing-Culture committee. “The current six-house system was designed to re-unite students across house lines, and the four-house system will do the same.” When asked if there were already plans to further hyphenate College Housing, Louis-David merely winked, tongue-in-cheek. inked, tongue-in-cheek.

At Burton-Judson, excitement wasn’t exactly sky-high. When put-upon by our reporting team, first-year Math-Physics major Alexander Roche summed up the general attitude towards this ground-breaking change: “Why?” A social-media campaign, “FFS” (Fix our Fucking Showers) has already begun among current B-J residents, imploring the university to invest housing funds into de-molding the showers, rather than re-molding house culture.