Shady Dealer Banner

Menu

Ho Ho Ho! Why is my House Getting Closer to the Water Every Year?

By Nico Aldape
Nov. 15, 2016

Merry Christmas to all, and a Happy New Year! I know it’s not December 25th yet, but whenever I watch TV, all I see are commercial depictions of me starting just after Halloween. That gives me a hearty chuckle considering I don’t even read my first letter until at least four or five days before Christmas! I always get too distracted drinking too much eggnog and staring at the Northern Lights. Anyway, I’m as glad this year is almost over as anyone else. But, I do have one question:. wWhy is my house getting closer to the water every year? I can’t be making this up. Five years ago, whenever the elves wanted to go polar-bear-tipping or dive off icebergs, they’d have to walk miles. Sometimes I’d worry thatif they’d never come back home. Two years ago, I remember we had a really bad vortex, so that was a blip in the general trend of warmth, but now, it’s only a twenty-minute walk to the beach! All of the North Pole elves’ cousins (the ones that live in the trees and make those Keebler Cookies – Ho ho ho, yum!) come up for a beach visit. The polar bears and seals don’t seem too happy about it, but my elves certainly do!

One other piece of evidence that my house is getting closer to the water is that my reindeer keep falling into what used to be more solid ice! Oh goody, Rudolph had to grab Blitzen and Donner earlier this morning. I think Donner and Blitzen may be a thing… but that’s beside the point!. My reindeer love prancing around on breaks after practice sleigh runs, and the fragile ice kills their Christmas spirit. What can be done about this? I’ve heard about the dangers of burning coal before, so as of this year I promise to give naughty kids something other than lumps of coal. Maybe I should give a return letter saying, “Ho ho ho, better luck next year!” or a reminder to use renewables. That being said, yYou aren’t doing anything to the climate, are you? That’d be very naughty.