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How Enthusiastic to Sound on the Phone with Your Parents

By Nico Aldape
Aug. 5, 2015

  1. Be happy when you’re talking to them, but not too happy. You want them to do the work of telling you they miss you and want to you more, so keep a little healthy tension in the relationship.
  2. For those of you with younger siblings, always ask to speak to them to show that you care about the family. This has the added benefit of subconsciously reminding your parents that they have other children they can more easily talk to.
  3. For only children, ask to speak to your dog.
  4. Never call your parents tired or before you have caffeine in the morning. They will assume you are hungover.
  5. Make sure to brush your teeth so you can call your parents with minty-fresh breath.
  6. Make it entertaining! Have at least one funny story to tell them for giggles, but don’t mention any parts relating to a lack of sobriety.
  7. Even if you don’t happen to be in a library, cut off the occasional call by saying. “I have to go back to the library now, have a lot of work to do!” slightly sadly to cement your status as a student and make them proud.
  8. Whenever your parents ask about your social life, tell them it is 25-50% more exciting than it actually is. If you do not have a social life at the time (or at all), pretend you do, and include ethnic variety in the names of your fake friends so it’s not too obvious.
  9. Practice saying “Hey, just called to say I miss you!” ten times in front of a mirror every day.
  10. If you find none of the above tips do not help, try calling from a dining hall in which you are reminded of the glory of home-cooked food.