To Our Readers, Skimmers, Casual Perusers, and Trench Coat Lovers:
Another year of ships is upon us: Scholarship, Friendship, Hardship, and Bullship are staples of everyday life here at UChicago. But of all the sinking ships braving this campus’s barren media landscape, the Chicago Shady Dealer ought to be your choice for witnessing the death of print journalism first-hand.
This ship has a new masthead, and it’s the only crack news team equipped to tackle the inconvenient truths, overwrought analyses, and unproven but undoubtedly true conspiracies that fester and spread through our university’s ivory air ducts.
A newspaper lives and dies by how horny it gets for the truth, and we will not rest until this campus is sopping wet with journalistic integrity: our investigators are dogged, our office managers are dogs, and our commitment to the truth is as unwavering as that flag on the moon. We will not pivot to video,
As we begin the school year, we are awed by the familiar: our dorms are still standing, our favorite coffee shops weren’t remodeled over the summer, and we ran into our
Yet we must also confront what is different: we think, perhaps, there are maybe four new dorms? We know that deep in the university’s underbelly there are secrets, bubbling and fizzing with increasing urgency, and we are the only paper with the guts to emergency-caesarean them out. And deliver them we did. For the first time ever in an O-Week issue, we are pleased to present FOUND DOCUMENTS straight from the administration.
Think you’ve got what it takes to cover the factless hellscape we call home? Join us in Harper 145 on Sundays from 7 PM to 8 PM beginning on 9/24. And we know what you're thinking, but don't worry - there is no dress code! Check us out on Facebook and Twitter, and keep an eye out for our upcoming podcast, The Chicago Shady Squealer.
From our tandem gondola,
Dan Lastres & Milena Pross
Editors in Chief