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Alumni Association Hastily Shuts Down DMT Garden Following Mass Vomiting, Hysterical Preaching

By Nik Varley
May 25, 2018

University administrators reportedly shut down the Alumni Weekend DMT Garden following reports of mass vomiting and hysterical preaching. The garden, initially intended as a relaxed environment in which alumni could enjoy hallucinogenic N,N-Dimethyltryptamine, quickly became both a health and safety hazard as visitors collectively regurgitated before succumbing to a religious frenzy.

 “We spotted several wide-eyed alumni wandering nude through the Quad proselytizing to passing students,” said Alumni Association President Megan Rosenbaum. “At that point, we realized that the whole thing was probably a bad idea.”

 Unfortunately, by the time Rosenbaum shut down the event, most of the Garden’s occupants were already “fully tripping out.” Despite the best efforts of security officers, a band of delusional alumni successfully broke in to the Divinity School and demanded that the religious scholars acknowledge that “all religions are one when the ego dissolves and the human unconscious can infinitely expand into hyperspace." They then proceeded to eat all of the raw coffee beans in Grounds of Being and subsequently threw up on several illuminated manuscripts in the Divinity’s School’s collection.

 “Yeah, the whole thing was a complete mess,” said third year witness Emily McDonough. “The Alumni Association basically had to round up them up like escaped zoo animals. That said, one of them gave me some pretty good ideas for my religious studies before he started trying to chew my Converse off my feet. So I guess it wasn’t totally unproductive.”

At press time, the Alumni Association released a statement reminding the University community that at least the DMT Garden wasn’t as catastrophic as last year’s “bear garden.”