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All University Classes Canceled this Wednesday, Except for Your 8:30 Calc Lecture

By Thomas Noriega
Jan. 29, 2019

Heeding warnings from the National Weather Service, the entire student body, and whatever feeble vestige of compassion remains in President Zimmer’s heart, the University of Chicago has formally canceled all classes on Wednesday except for your 8:30 section of Calc 15200.

The email, sent out on Monday, reads as follows: “Due to extreme weather, all classes and non-essential activities, except for the Calc 15200 section you’re taking at 8:30am, have been canceled for Wednesday, January 30.”

With temperatures plummeting well below zero, and the very real threat of frostbite looming over Chicago, the school has wisely decided to let students stay inside and avoid the brutal temperatures, except for you, because you can’t miss this week’s lecture. What if this material is on the test? While you’re dragging a knee-high snowdrift into the lobby of Eckhart, fingers turning purple from the grotesque temperature, barely awake from your 8am alarm, cheer yourself up with the knowledge that the university has made a decision squarely in the interest of student health and safety.