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reindeerdrowning

Climate Change PSA: Reindeer Can Fly, But They Sure as Hell Can't Swim

Baby, it’s cold outside! But not for much longer. Climate change is reaching the North Pole, and it’s not looking good for Santa’s reindeer. You’ve likely read about rising global temperatures melting the polar ice caps. While Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen are total aces in the sky, they sure as hell can’t swim. Looks like we better start rewriting that song: “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reind...


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Trump Dodges Battle for House, Blames Bone Spur

By John Buterbaugh    Dec. 5, 2018   

With shades of the seventies, Donald Trump managed to dodge responsibility for yet another conflict: this time, the battle for the U.S. House of Representatives. At a press conference held Saturday, the President called the midterm elections which swept Democrats into control of the House “a tremendous, Vietnam-level victory.”  When questioned by the press about the loss of a projected 40 seats, T...


“Is he the one who did 9/11?" say Nation’s High Schoolers Following George H. W. Bush Memorial

By Christian Villanueva    Dec. 4, 2018   

On November 30, 2018, former president George H.W. Bush passed away in Houston, Texas at the age of 94. While millions across the nation mourned the death of the 41st President of the United States, high school students were unsure of who Bush was. The former president was widely known for his administration’s stance on international relations and foreign affairs, yet when questioned about Bush,...


Sexually Repressed First-Years Upset Over Record Low Numbers of "Turkey Drop" Break-Ups

By Marc Whyte    Nov. 25, 2018   

Every year, thousands of newly-seasoned college freshmen are supposed to return home for Thanksgiving to reunite with their high school friends, share their college stories with family, eat lots of food, and end their long-distance relationships.  However, a new report from the University of Chicago’s Center for Interdisciplinary Inquiry and Innovation in Sexual and Reproductive Health points towa...


How to Pretend to be Thankful Even Though Deep Down You're a Brat

By Audrey Fromson    Nov. 22, 2018   

If you’re having trouble suppressing the brat in you this Thanksgiving, you’re not alone. Read on to find out how to fake it until you make it or Thanksgiving is over. Adopt an attitude of gratitude So what you find out that your younger sister deleted every episode of the Great British Bake Off from your DVR to make space for Catfish reruns?! Now you have more quality time to spend with your gran...


Local Vegan Cooked for Thanksgiving Dinner

By Olivia Reeves    Nov. 22, 2018   

In an unusual twist on an American classic, the family of third year Jane Wallis has announced that they will be cooking and eating her instead of their traditional turkey dinner this Thanksgiving. Wallis, who told the Dealer that she is a vegan no less than fourteen times in a two minute interview, also vocalized her support for the decision. “I’ve been advocating against turkey terror in my ho...


Clueless First Year Finds Himself in Rural Kentucky after Boarding Shuttle Bus

By Sammy Elmasri and Will Jaffe    Nov. 11, 2018   

First-year Danny Fenton anticipated an expedited trip when he boarded the South Shuttle, but disaster struck as he mistakenly got off at its Kentucky Stop, which as every seasoned student knows, is the last stop before the shuttle returns to the Reynolds Club. “I was wondering why it was taking me so long to get to Cathey,” Danny told the Dealer. “After two hours of driving, I decided to get off a...


I’m Interested in Going, Maybe: A How-To Guide on Actually Attending the Facebook Events You Say You’re Interested In

By Audrey Fromson    Nov. 11, 2018   

It’s 11:00 a.m. on a Saturday. Do you know that about one million events are happening around the world and that you’ve said “interested” on Facebook to every single one? Being flaky can be empowering, but playing hard-to-get with event hosts isn’t cool. Read this how-to guide to learn how you can actually start following through on your digital commitments. 1. Know Yourself If you’ve said “intere...


Every HUMA Class Ranked by How Badly You Have to Shit During it

By Christian Villanueva    Nov. 11, 2018   

8. Readings in World Literature How can a class make you need to poop? You don’t have to poop at all! You’re having a blast reading The Odyssey and definitely won’t have to shit for a while. 7. Greece and Rome: Texts, Traditions, Transformations Admit it, you might be intrigued by Homer’s Iliad, but you feel it. Barring the poor soul who got Stony their first year, you should be fine to make it ba...


Trump Summons Backup Collection of Balding White Men from White House Storage Cabinet After Sessions Resignation

By Kelly Tsing Sum Lo    Nov. 7, 2018   

Former Attorney General Jeff Sessions, a man described by friends as “the world’s least magical elf”, resigned earlier today in a move that marks the latest in a series of departures from the President's cabinet.  In an official statement, the administration asserted that President Trump was already reviewing a list of potential replacements from his "Emergency Backup Old White Guys Collection". “...