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World Cup

From Russia with Language Barriers: 2018 World Cup Coverage

We here at the Shady Dealer are proud to present our coverage of the 2018 World Cup, the most notable sporting event in Vladimir Putin's Russia since the introduction of professional political imprisonment in the early 2000s. In what promises to be an exciting and soccer-filled soccer tournament, 31 of the world’s top teams --and Saudi Arabia--have descended upon Russia to see who will become worl...


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Off-Campus Apartment Fails Health Inspection

By Clarence Burrough    May 25, 2018   

The residents of 5743 South Cornell awoke to a health inspector knocking on their door this past Tuesday. Working quickly, the inspector documented eighteen violations, three of which were unidentifiable smells that “must have been something real nasty we just couldn’t find.” The residents were told to correct the violations before a surprise re-inspection in the weeks to come. This inspection cam...


Alumni Association Hastily Shuts Down DMT Garden Following Mass Vomiting, Hysterical Preaching

By Nik Varley    May 25, 2018   

University administrators reportedly shut down the Alumni Weekend DMT Garden following reports of mass vomiting and hysterical preaching. The garden, initially intended as a relaxed environment in which alumni could enjoy hallucinogenic N,N-Dimethyltryptamine, quickly became both a health and safety hazard as visitors collectively regurgitated before succumbing to a religious frenzy.  “We spotte...


Student Government: U-PASS to Be Replaced by U-BER

By Ella Hester    May 25, 2018   

Starting in the 2018-2019 school year, students in the College will have the option of choosing an alternative to the U-PASS: the U-BER. This new program will cover all Uber expenses for students on rides that are valued below $5 and above $25. The initiative was proposed by a Student Government member who remarked in a meeting, "Where even is the Red Line, anyway?"  The campus is divided over...


SOSC Canvas Posts Too Intimate

By Warner Swatkins    May 25, 2018   

The trouble began when a number of students in Professor Bart Conroy’s third quarter of “Self, Culture, Society” expressed concerns that the readings concerning Dr. Sigmund Freud and his contemporaries would be awkward, to say the least. Little did they expect how seriously their TA and more intellectually rigorous classmates would take the material. The students showed little restraint and a who...


An Ode to Our Only Reader

By Ella Hester    May 25, 2018   

Hey Ed Zamb You're the manb You have a son named Teddy And a heart that's ready To 'like' our pieces Your support never ceases Never leave us, O, Ed You are our bread And butter, while it melts, we have no doubts that Zamborskys will always be almost certainly the backbone-sky of our self-esteemsky


Uh Oh! That Kid Just Made a Good Point for Once

By Noah Goodman    May 25, 2018   

THURSDAY 2:00 pm — It appeared to be a typical day in Professor Jones’s section of Self, Culture, and Society. Half the class hadn’t done their reading, Fanon’s status as a Marxist was being discussed, and first-year Christopher Kerber, resident That Kid, was partaking in his patent prolonged patterings. That is, until 2:42, about halfway through the discussion section, when the Shady Dealer recei...


LEAKED: Valerie Jarrett's Class Day Speech

By None    May 25, 2018   

I can almost see itThat dream I'm dreaming butThere's a voice inside my head sayingYou'll never reach it,Every step I'm taking,Every move I make feelsLost with no directionMy faith is shaking but IGotta keep tryingGotta keep my head held high There's always gonna be another mountainI'm always gonna wanna make it moveAlways gonna be an uphill battleSometimes I'm gonna have to loseAin't about how...


Discreet Mathematics Course To Be Held at 3 A.M. in Undisclosed Parking Garage

By Reed Thurston    May 25, 2018   

According to anonymous sources within the University’s Math department, a new listing has been added to the graduate-level course catalogue for the autumn quarter of 2018. It describes in sparse detail an advanced section of mathematical study available exclusively to students who have completed the Spectral Graph Theory course, and who “know how to keep their mouths shut.” The listing, which was...


Exclusive: We Interviewed A Campus Gargoyle

By David Manchego    May 5, 2018   

Hyde Park, 2018 There’s an old Irish (American) limerick that goes something like this: “There once was a gargoyle from Nantucket, then he moved to Hyde Park and gentrified the neighborhood.”  Sweet poem, right broskis? Anyway, we interviewed that gargoyle, or was it an old man with a skin condition? Probably should have checked. So read the interview if you want, or, like, not. We don’t really c...