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Dean Boyer's Tender Embrace

New Residence Hall Located in Dean Boyer's Tender Embrace

In response to the recent housing crisis at the University, College Housing has announced that, as of the 2018-2019 school year, students may apply to live in the loving arms of Dean John Boyer. The residence, named Boyer Residential Commons (BRC), accommodates two to three students, all of whom will share in a protracted hug with the Dean of the College for the duration of the academic year.  In...


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Humanitarian of the Year Will Show Dining Staff Respect, Courtesy Until Second Week

By Andy Hatem    Sept. 24, 2018   

Some start work before the sun is up. Others don’t leave until well past midnight. The work isn’t easy; staff are always on their feet, and may go hours without a break. Yet so many students take the work of Dining Hall staff for granted. Not Richard Anderson. The first-year student from Naperville, IL, was unfailingly polite to dining staff for the duration of his Pre-Orientation program, never...


Wrong Dungeon! How I Tried to Join a BDSM Group, Ended Up in a D&D Group

By Thomas Noriega    Sept. 24, 2018   

I was feeling a bit restless and my sex life was spiraling into abject boredom. Vanilla hookups weren’t doing anything for me and I’d masturbated to everything and anything I could find. So, when I saw a flyer near the quad about a dungeon master looking for new people to play with, I felt a rush of excitement. The flyer was way beyond bland: it pictured chains, whips, swords, gold, and dragons, p...


University Bans Pornography from UChicago Secure

By Breck Radulovic    Sept. 24, 2018   

In a letter distributed to incoming first-years, the University of Chicago announced new penalties for students caught streaming pornography on university internet connections. The letter signed by Dean of Students John “Jay” Ellison called porn an “inappropriate use of school resources.”  The letter stated that any student caught watching pornography would face harsh disciplinary proceedings in t...


Rahm Leaves Chicago, Goes to Hell

By News Desk    Sept. 5, 2018   

At a shocking press conference held Tuesday, Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel announced he would not be seeking reelection. Reading from prepared remarks, Emanuel explained his last-minute withdrawal from the mayoral campaign. “I’m leaving Chicago and going straight to hell, baby!” The visibly gleeful Emanuel thanked the City Council for their cooperation as he finally relinquishes the ironclad grip h...


All It Took Was Melting in My Car to Realize That I Am a Robot

By Antonia Salisbury    Aug. 7, 2018   

95 degrees and climbing. It is very hot in this car. I can only assume that these words I write will be some of my last if the tall human with human hair and skeleton does not return from the human fuel building soon. Being a human is scary in that way – we are victims of chance and heat. As well as oil changes and battery shortages. I will write again soon. 98 degrees. I fear that my body t...


Trump Nominates Unborn Fetus to Supreme Court

By Zachary Spitz    July 3, 2018   

President Trump announced his choice to replace retiring Justice Anthony Kennedy: a twelve-week-old fetus. By nominating the fetus, Mr. Trump opted to look beyond his publicized list of potential nominees and made a choice that will shape the Supreme Court for the next 78.8 years, on average. Mr. Trump’s decision raised some eyebrows in the legal world, as the nominee has no eyebrows of its own. T...


The Chicago Shady Dealer's Day-After-Father's-Day Gift Guide

By The News Desk    June 18, 2018   

Forgot to get your dad a Father’s Day gift? Forgot that Father’s Day was yesterday? Well, if you’re a shitty child, the Chicago Shady Dealer has got the list for you! Introducing the Day-After-Father’s-Day gift list, which, according to our #1 fan and Daddy of the Year, Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte, “Made me the satisfied and happy-go-lucky man--and father--I am today.” So, without further...


From Russia with Language Barriers: 2018 World Cup Coverage

By Diego Matamoros    June 18, 2018   

We here at the Shady Dealer are proud to present our coverage of the 2018 World Cup, the most notable sporting event in Vladimir Putin's Russia since the introduction of professional political imprisonment in the early 2000s. In what promises to be an exciting and soccer-filled soccer tournament, 31 of the world’s top teams --and Saudi Arabia--have descended upon Russia to see who will become worl...


Alumni Association Hastily Shuts Down DMT Garden Following Mass Vomiting, Hysterical Preaching

By Nik Varley    May 25, 2018   

University administrators reportedly shut down the Alumni Weekend DMT Garden following reports of mass vomiting and hysterical preaching. The garden, initially intended as a relaxed environment in which alumni could enjoy hallucinogenic N,N-Dimethyltryptamine, quickly became both a health and safety hazard as visitors collectively regurgitated before succumbing to a religious frenzy.  “We spotte...