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Prospective Student Taken Hostage by Cadre of Hyde Park Squirrels

A spokesperson for the University of Chicago Police Department (UCPD) announced that California Bay Area Resident Ben Miller was taken captive by a scurry of squirrels while participating in an undergraduate admissions tour this afternoon.   Miller, 16, was hoping to apply Early Decision to the College for the Class of 2023.   “All he ever wanted to do was thrive here and explore the life of the m...


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Mother Nature Divorces Mankind, Seeks Custody of the Moon

By John Logan Buterbaugh    Nov. 2, 2018   

In a move right out of your childhood, Mother Nature ended her 300,000 year old relationship with Mankind following the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change’s shocking announcement earlier this month. As it turns out, what we always knew would happen has actually happened. Stuck in the middle of the two is the Moon, for whom Mother Nature seeks complete custody, claiming that Mankind hasn’t...


Into Bad Boys? Then Check out Todd: The Guy Who Throws Paper Towels All over the Fucking Ground in Harper

By Diego Mansplane    Nov. 2, 2018   

Tired of always making your friends and family proud? Does your love life need a little danger? Then allow us to introduce you to Todd: the guy who throws wet paper towels all over the fucking ground in the Harper bathrooms.  You’re probably familiar with some of Todd’s work if you've ever walked into the Harper bathrooms and asked yourself, "What kind of asshole would do something like this?" Tod...


The Shady Dealer's Spookadelic Halloween Costume Guide

By Shady Dealer Halloween Task Force    Oct. 31, 2018   

Do you need a last minute creepy costume to spookify your jack-o-friends at the Halloween ghoul-bash? Don't worry! The Shady Dealer has got you covered with four witchtacular looks so hair-raising that the neighborhood werewolf will shake loose all its ghost-fleas and overload the fright-o-meter! Sexy Milton Friedman: Do you like being dominated like America loves dominating Latin American countr...


Millions of Kids Dress as Migos for Halloween, None of them Takeoff

By Nico Aldape    Oct. 31, 2018   

Millions across the nation celebrated Halloween by dressing as Migos this Halloween, the second-most popular costume among young black children (behind the King of Wakanda). The “Bad N’ Boujee” and “Walk It Talk It” rap group’s influence reached the University of Chicago this spooky season. “I mean, I picked Offset this Halloween, just cause I’m the tallest in my friend group," said second-year Ja...


The Shady Dealer's Spookadelic Halloween Costume Guide

By Shady Dealer Halloween Task Force    Oct. 31, 2018   

Do you need a last minute creepy costume to spookify your jack-o-friends at the Halloween ghoul-bash? Don't worry! The Shady Dealer has got you covered with four witchtacular looks so hair-raising that the neighborhood werewolf will shake loose all its ghost-fleas and overload the fright-o-meter! Sexy Milton Friedman: Do you like being dominated like America loves dominating Latin American countr...


Have You Voted Yet, You Fucking Ingrate?

By The IOP    Oct. 31, 2018   

Hey you scum-sucking freedom-slut, I heard you hadn’t voted yet. Have you heard the news? This is AMERICA. People died and shit so you could take 5 minutes out of your day to bubble in some chud’s name and save the country from whomever you personally wanna blame for your shitty life. Good fucking lord if you don’t mark “Going” to the UChiVotes event this week, I will cast my ballot so far up your...


How to Communicate with Your Parents Through Your Amazon Order History

By Audrey Fromson    Oct. 27, 2018   

It’s amazingly easy to forget about the people who brought us into this world. Ghosting my parents is my fatal flaw; while it makes me seem cool and mysterious, it also annoys the fuck out of them. However, I’m pleased to share that I applied my critical thinking skills and developed a new method for staying in touch with them. The best part is that it doesn’t require a cell phone. Amazon.com migh...


Satan Devises Business Fraternities Only to Realize They Are Already a Thing

By Sam Stephenson    Oct. 26, 2018   

On Wednesday afternoon, Satan, Prince of Darkness, was reportedly dismayed to find out that his newest creation, business fraternities, were already a thing.  “I was sick of all my standard blights upon humanity: plague, famine, kids named Chad and the like. I needed some new horror to unleash upon the world, so I decided to merge the twin evils of fraternities and business into a chimeric mons...


Blue Chips Disbands to Better Maintain Its Exclusivity

By Rahul Gupta    Oct. 26, 2018   

In the logical conclusion of a prolonged struggle over the core values of the University of Chicago, the Blue Chips announced their dissolution late last week. The heads of the official investment banking organization justified it as a means to maintain their prestige and exclusivity in the face of an increasing number of applicants. “We had an application process, but it just wasn’t rigorous enou...