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Trump Nominates Unborn Fetus to Supreme Court

President Trump announced his choice to replace retiring Justice Anthony Kennedy: a twelve-week-old fetus. By nominating the fetus, Mr. Trump opted to look beyond his publicized list of potential nominees and made a choice that will shape the Supreme Court for the next 78.8 years, on average. Mr. Trump’s decision raised some eyebrows in the legal world, as the nominee has no eyebrows of its own. T...


LATEST STORIES


Student Government: U-PASS to Be Replaced by U-BER

By Ella Hester    May 25, 2018   

Starting in the 2018-2019 school year, students in the College will have the option of choosing an alternative to the U-PASS: the U-BER. This new program will cover all Uber expenses for students on rides that are valued below $5 and above $25. The initiative was proposed by a Student Government member who remarked in a meeting, "Where even is the Red Line, anyway?"  The campus is divided over...


Alumni Association Hastily Shuts Down DMT Garden Following Mass Vomiting, Hysterical Preaching

By Nik Varley    May 25, 2018   

University administrators reportedly shut down the Alumni Weekend DMT Garden following reports of mass vomiting and hysterical preaching. The garden, initially intended as a relaxed environment in which alumni could enjoy hallucinogenic N,N-Dimethyltryptamine, quickly became both a health and safety hazard as visitors collectively regurgitated before succumbing to a religious frenzy.  “We spotte...


A Late UChicago Application Essay

By Chuck Garrison    May 25, 2018   

For most people, it was simply a matter of checking a box, but for me, it was a deep question of personal identity. Was I technically a Latino? No. Did I consider myself a Latino? Sí. Although I checked the ‘White’ box on the application, this is not entirely true. You see, I’m transracial. The race I was born into doesn’t match the race I feel I am.Psychologists debate the role of nature versus n...


A Farewell Letter

By The Editors    May 25, 2018   

Dearest Reader(s),     Over the past year, we have had the humbling, back-breaking honor of serving as Editors-in-Chief for the Chicago Shady Dealer, and we want to give you this opportunity to thank us for all our hard work and dedication. It has been a trying affair and we've sweat through many outfits, but we did it for you, our dedicated readers. We were thrilled to do it, but we feel we deser...


Spring Has Sprung: Fijis Quit Breastfeeding for Solid Food

By Antonia Salisbury    May 25, 2018   

Frarty season is upon us, and you know what that means: barbecued mashed peas and a banana yogurt ice luge.  The Dealer began its reporting at the Fiji mansion. Upon our arrival, all the biggest boys were chewing on their toes. This is what 241-month old Fiji social chair, Baby Face McGhee, had to say: “I am a big baby. I just want to be pushed around in a stroller by my mommy.” Stopping to let an...


SOSC Canvas Posts Too Intimate

By Warner Swatkins    May 25, 2018   

The trouble began when a number of students in Professor Bart Conroy’s third quarter of “Self, Culture, Society” expressed concerns that the readings concerning Dr. Sigmund Freud and his contemporaries would be awkward, to say the least. Little did they expect how seriously their TA and more intellectually rigorous classmates would take the material. The students showed little restraint and a who...


Op-Ed: Bill Gates, Support Journalism On-Campus by Setting Up a Trust Fund For Us

By Ella Hester    May 25, 2018   

Dear Bill Gates, Thank you so much for buying property near our storied university. We have no clues as to your motivations, so we're hoping you just like us for who we are! We do, however, feel the need to inform you that there is another Hyde Park institution worthy of your support: The Chicago Shady Dealer.  When we first heard the clang of one thousand (?) piggy banks ringing out, we im...


Did This Article Just Pose a Rhetorical Question in Lieu of an Actual Headline?

By Reed Thurston    May 25, 2018   

Startling readers and baffling journalistic style guidelines everywhere, you won't believe the answer you hear when we ask the hot-button question that’s on everyone’s mind: Did the headline of this article really just blankly state a pointlessly obvious question, instead of actually conveying any information of substance to its audience?  Well we, the intrepid journalists of the Chicago Shady Dea...


Chief Keef Devours Entire Chicago Rap Scene

By Robby Zissner    May 25, 2018   

South Side music icon Chief Keef shocked the world this Tuesday when he ate the entire Chicago rap community. Dealer sources report that the incident began when fellow rapper Lil Durk accused Chief Keef of being “all bark, no bite,” to which Chief replied, “I’ll show you bite.” He then stuffed the twenty-two year old trap artist into his unhinged jaws. Since then, Keef has been terrorizing the Ch...