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77-Year-Old Sanders Announces Measured Walk for Presidency

By John Buterbaugh
Feb. 23, 2019

In what could only be described as a “spirited” address to (commie) Vermont Public Radio, Independent Senator Bernie Sanders announced that, after considering it with his wife and grandchildren, taking some blood pressure pills, and yelling at those damn Johnson kids to get off his lawn, he’s decided to launch a “measured walk” for the presidency in 2020.

Before his speech, Sanders informed the Dealer he chose the public radio station to launch his campaign in order to “Connect to the skateboard riding, boombox carrying youths of the day.” When asked if he knew what century it was, the Senator declined to comment.

The runner-up in the 2016 Democratic Primary seemingly figured he was still a viable candidate despite his age… and the fact he couldn’t beat fucking Hillary Clinton two years ago and came to the conclusion he wished to rob broke college students of their 27 dollars and their fragile hopes once again. Near the end of his speech, Sanders called on his supporters to “join us once again to bring government back to the people. With just 27 dollars you can build my next vacation ho-- I mean a future we can believe in.”

In a smaller address to his supporters following his speech, Sanders urged for the voting public to ignore his age and called them to have the courage to make a radical change-- putting an old white guy in charge.

Sanders announcement, of course, has been met with animated indifference at his alma mater. Second-year Elizabeth Watrous had this to say about the Senator’s announcement: “What? Sanders? You mean that dirty neoliberal capitalist? Let’s not forget he got a Poli Sci degree from UChicago. What does that mean? Fucking Model UN That Kid! I’m exclusively supporting Jill Stein until Bernie personally takes me out to coffee, does my SOSC final for me, finds me a date, and passes all of my purity tests!”

For now, it’s too early to say just how Sanders’s second bid for the presidency will go. It’s yet unclear how the Senator’s busy schedule of bingo and Matlock will allow him to launch such a grand undertaking. Even so, he remains optimistic, telling the Dealer “I have a lot of time on my hands now that all my long-time friends have died so I figured why not try one more time before I join ‘em?” before he was rushed away by his nurses.