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Climate Change PSA: Reindeer Can Fly, But They Sure as Hell Can't Swim

Baby, it’s cold outside! But not for much longer. Climate change is reaching the North Pole, and it’s not looking good for Santa’s reindeer. You’ve likely read about rising global temperatures melting the polar ice caps. While Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen are total aces in the sky, they sure as hell can’t swim. Looks like we better start rewriting that song: “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reind...


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Op-Ed: Eight Nights is a Little Excessive

By Sam Nitkin    Dec. 8, 2018   

Growing up a young Jewish boy in a predominantly Christian area, I get it. You never had a Christmas tree. Your attempts to get your dad to hang up “Hanukkah lights” on the roof were met with him telling you he wishes you had never been born. Mariah Carey doesn’t sing any songs about your holiday. I understand, you’re a bit jealous. But don’t you think having eight nights of Chanukah is overcompen...


Trump Dodges Battle for House, Blames Bone Spur

By John Buterbaugh    Dec. 5, 2018   

With shades of the seventies, Donald Trump managed to dodge responsibility for yet another conflict: this time, the battle for the U.S. House of Representatives. At a press conference held Saturday, the President called the midterm elections which swept Democrats into control of the House “a tremendous, Vietnam-level victory.”  When questioned by the press about the loss of a projected 40 seats, T...


DC & NYC to Restrict Immigration of Public Policy Majors

By Nico Aldape    Dec. 5, 2018   

“Y’all young, broke twenty-somethings are coming into our town and stealing the jobs from all us older broke twenty-somethings," said District of Columbia resident Sydney Pulisic. "Fuck all of you.”  Pulisic added that she has “been here long enough that all the marble statues and museums got old, which took all of 10 days.”  Pulisic was among many citizens against the influx of University of Chic...


Is He Flirting With You or Just Promoting an IOP Event?

By Emily Feigenbaum    Dec. 5, 2018   

Dating at UChicago can be difficult. Sometimes it’s not so clear whether that special person is demonstrating an interest in you or if he’s drumming up attention for an event at the Institute of Politics in order to ignite a passion for public service amongst college students. Ugh, don’t you just hate mixed signals? If you’re having trouble navigating the uncertainty of campus romance, here are so...


Review: Eating an Entire Jar of Nutella in One Sitting

By Calpernia Higginbotham    Dec. 5, 2018   

You’ve done it. Everyone’s gone for the day—for classes, whatever that means. No one around, no one to bother you. You’ve got the apartment all to yourself. Your eyes lock on the cupboard door, a once unremarkable object turned titillating at the thought of what lies behind it. You pull on the handle, swing it open, and there, sitting on the shelf, it is: a 13-ounce jar of Nutella. Unopened, and a...


Kim and Kanye West Move to Hyde Park

By Sylvia Ebenbach    Dec. 5, 2018   

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have already begun their move to the cold, dreary city of Chicago and have chosen an optimal location that fully embodies the weather: the University of Chicago. They decided to trade the internalized sadness of Californians for the outward displeasure of UChicago students.  The power couple has been spotted around campus, but it’s hard to tell the difference between...


Administration Finally Addresses Dental Health Stigma Through Dental Health Awareness Week

By Harry Weinstein    Dec. 5, 2018   

Last Thursday, Dean John Boyer unveiled a new wellness initiative: Dental Health Awareness Week. Dean Boyer said the campaign was put in place to ensure no student forgets the importance of dental hygiene amid the stress of Finals Week.  Posters are now up all over the Quad with helpful tips and resources, reminding students to brush their teeth four times daily. In extreme situations, students ca...


How To Tell Your Parents You're a Philosophy Major Now

By Jean-Jacques Buterbaugh    Dec. 5, 2018   

You got home for winter break the other day but you can feel a lingering tension in the air. Your parents seem excited to see you but they can feel that you’ve changed. You know you have to tell them. Your legs are shaking. Your stomach is turning. This is the moment. After hiding yourself for so long, you’re finally going to tell them.  This winter break, you're finally going to turn to them and...


I Just Wanna Find Someone to Have the Lady and the Tramp Kiss With, But With a Line of Blow Instead of Spaghetti

By Nico Aldape    Dec. 5, 2018   

Ah yes, the shining moment in one of the best of Disney’s nineties Golden Age films, a breaking down of class barriers between rascally mutts and elegant Cocker Spaniels: Lady and the Tramp. The spaghetti noodle kiss is one of the most well-known scenes of a Disney movie, or any movie in general.  Many a couple have tried to replicate this with Instagram boomerangs, but alas, many make mistakes in...