Prospie “Pretty Disappointed” to Hear Dad He Spent Entire Tour Talking to Will Not Actually Spend Next Four Years With Him
By Harry Weinstein April 19, 2019
After skipping most of his tour on the Quad to hang with incoming freshman Ryan Feinstein’s dad, prospective student Evan Goldsmith was more than a little devastated when his parents told him Ryan’s dad would not actually be attending the University of Chicago as an undergraduate with him. “Not gonna lie, it was pretty shocking to find out I won’t actually be keeping this up with Mr. Feinstein whe...
Op-Ed: So We're Admitting Pretty People Now?
By Drew Landrowski April 18, 2019
How do I put this delicately? Uchicago hasn’t always been the belle of the ball when it comes to American universities. In fact, our students have been equated to squirrels, awkward virgins, and everything in between. However, as I near the end of my undergraduate career here, I’ve noticed a quite disturbing trend among underclassmen and prospies alike: they’re getting prettier. I understand that...
77-Year-Old Sanders Announces Measured Walk for Presidency
By John Buterbaugh Feb. 23, 2019
In what could only be described as a “spirited” address to (commie) Vermont Public Radio, Independent Senator Bernie Sanders announced that, after considering it with his wife and grandchildren, taking some blood pressure pills, and yelling at those damn Johnson kids to get off his lawn, he’s decided to launch a “measured walk” for the presidency in 2020. Before his speech, Sanders informed t...
Karl Lagerfeld Distraught to Discover Heaven Uniform Includes Sweatpants
By Sophia Lubarr Feb. 20, 2019
Karl Lagerfeld, legendary Chanel director and force unto himself, passed away today at a very fashionable and critically acclaimed 85. A source informed the Dealer that Lagerfeld swept up the tunnel to the Pearly Gates in his signature slim suit, ponytail and sunglasses. “I’m not wearing these sunglasses because of the blinding light at the end of this tunnel. I’m wearing them because they...
Introducing: Datamatch <3
By Chicago Shady Dealer Romance Division Feb. 6, 2019
Alright. Real talk. No jokes. Knock-Knock. Who's there? Love, motherfucker. We did the research, -- well actually, the Maroon did -- but things aren’t looking good at UChicago. Two-thirds of us are single. Unacceptable. And even fewer of us have more than two friends that aren’t in a study group. Barely even -ceptable. We here at the Shady Dealer are tired of living as overworked virgins, and w...
Word of the Week: Schadenfreude
By Drew Landrowski Feb. 3, 2019
Ever heard of banging a ‘uey? Do you like jimmies on your ice cream? Super Bowl LIII is upon us, so now’s the time to learn some useful new terms about our buds from New England. In the spirit of the American melting pot, the word of the week comes from the nation of Germany. An amalgamation of the word for “joy” and “harm,” schadenfreude reflects “ experience of pleasure, joy, or self-satisfactio...
They Can Cancel Bar Night, But They Can Never Cancel Me Dancing Drunk And Alone On A Wednesday Night
By Harry Weinstein Jan. 30, 2019
Alpha Delt may have cancelled this week’s bar night because of a polar vortex, but they will not stop me from spending my Wednesday nights like I always do. They can try to remove the room, the music, and even the people from the equation, but they will never stop me from dancing alone and hating myself in a stranger's basement. Tonight I plan to go on like usual. Dancing and drinking, and then dr...
All University Classes Canceled this Wednesday, Except for Your 8:30 Calc Lecture
By Thomas Noriega Jan. 29, 2019
Heeding warnings from the National Weather Service, the entire student body, and whatever feeble vestige of compassion remains in President Zimmer’s heart, the University of Chicago has formally canceled all classes on Wednesday except for your 8:30 section of Calc 15200. The email, sent out on Monday, reads as follows: “Due to extreme weather, all classes and non-essential activities, except for...
First Year Drops HUMA, Claims It Does Not ‘Spark Joy’
By Emily Feigenbaum Jan. 23, 2019
Inspired by the KonMari organizational methods popularized by the Netflix series “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo,” a first-year in the College announced that she will drop her HUMA class because it “does not spark joy.” The KonMari method is trifold, beginning with the decluttering of clothing and moving on to books, papers, and komono (miscellaneous). The goal is to sort through each item, determine...