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reindeerdrowning

Climate Change PSA: Reindeer Can Fly, But They Sure as Hell Can't Swim

Baby, it’s cold outside! But not for much longer. Climate change is reaching the North Pole, and it’s not looking good for Santa’s reindeer. You’ve likely read about rising global temperatures melting the polar ice caps. While Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen are total aces in the sky, they sure as hell can’t swim. Looks like we better start rewriting that song: “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reind...


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Karl Lagerfeld Distraught to Discover Heaven Uniform Includes Sweatpants

By Sophia Lubarr    Feb. 20, 2019   

Karl Lagerfeld, legendary Chanel director and force unto himself, passed away today at a very fashionable and critically acclaimed 85.   A source informed the Dealer that Lagerfeld swept up the tunnel to the Pearly Gates in his signature slim suit, ponytail and sunglasses. “I’m not wearing these sunglasses because of the blinding light at the end of this tunnel. I’m wearing them because they...


Introducing: Datamatch <3

By Chicago Shady Dealer Romance Division    Feb. 6, 2019   

Alright. Real talk. No jokes. Knock-Knock. Who's there? Love, motherfucker. We did the research, -- well actually, the Maroon did --  but things aren’t looking good at UChicago. Two-thirds of us are single. Unacceptable. And even fewer of us have more than two friends that aren’t in a study group. Barely even -ceptable.   We here at the Shady Dealer are tired of living as overworked virgins, and w...


Word of the Week: Schadenfreude

By Drew Landrowski    Feb. 3, 2019   

Ever heard of banging a ‘uey? Do you like jimmies on your ice cream? Super Bowl LIII is upon us, so now’s the time to learn some useful new terms about our buds from New England. In the spirit of the American melting pot, the word of the week comes from the nation of Germany. An amalgamation of the word for “joy” and “harm,” schadenfreude reflects “ experience of pleasure, joy, or self-satisfactio...


They Can Cancel Bar Night, But They Can Never Cancel Me Dancing Drunk And Alone On A Wednesday Night

By Harry Weinstein    Jan. 30, 2019   

Alpha Delt may have cancelled this week’s bar night because of a polar vortex, but they will not stop me from spending my Wednesday nights like I always do. They can try to remove the room, the music, and even the people from the equation, but they will never stop me from dancing alone and hating myself in a stranger's basement. Tonight I plan to go on like usual. Dancing and drinking, and then dr...


All University Classes Canceled this Wednesday, Except for Your 8:30 Calc Lecture

By Thomas Noriega    Jan. 29, 2019   

Heeding warnings from the National Weather Service, the entire student body, and whatever feeble vestige of compassion remains in President Zimmer’s heart, the University of Chicago has formally canceled all classes on Wednesday except for your 8:30 section of Calc 15200. The email, sent out on Monday, reads as follows: “Due to extreme weather, all classes and non-essential activities, except for...


First Year Drops HUMA, Claims It Does Not ‘Spark Joy’

By Emily Feigenbaum    Jan. 23, 2019   

Inspired by the KonMari organizational methods popularized by the Netflix series “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo,” a first-year in the College announced that she will drop her HUMA class because it “does not spark joy.” The KonMari method is trifold, beginning with the decluttering of clothing and moving on to books, papers, and komono (miscellaneous). The goal is to sort through each item, determine...


Forget Kuvia: Here are 8 Easy Ways to Get a Free T-Shirt on Campus

By Sam Nitkin    Jan. 21, 2019   

6:00 am. Tuesday, January 15, 2019. A couple hundred students rise before the sun and shuffle into Henry Crown Field House to do suspiciously cult-like “sun salutations.” And all for what? A Capri Sun? House spirit? No, the students are there for one reason and one reason alone. That elusive Kuvia T-Shirt. Only those who brave the cold and the drowsiness for five days straight capture the illust...


Top 6 Things to Do This MLK Day If You Don't Have a Date

By Christian Villanueva    Jan. 21, 2019   

Another year, another Martin Luther King Day without a date. Have you tried every way to get a date who can revere a great American hero with you? Has your self-esteem gone down because of your inability to honor the famed late civil rights activist with a special someone? Do you stare longingly into the distance over the New York Sound searching for the green light that marks the home of your for...


Jeff Bezos Wife Discovers Amazon Receipt for New "Alive Girl" Online

By Harry Weinstein    Jan. 16, 2019   

This past Sunday, Jeff Bezos’s wife of 25 years, MacKenzie, found something extra when she was checking the couple’s order backlog. “I was just scrolling through our Amazon orders, wondering if the Upright GO Posture Trainer(TM) I’d ordered four weeks ago had come in, and there it was: one alive girl. I’m beyond words, horrified. To think the man you love could use Amazon like this. I’ve learned y...