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Climate Change PSA: Reindeer Can Fly, But They Sure as Hell Can't Swim

Baby, it’s cold outside! But not for much longer. Climate change is reaching the North Pole, and it’s not looking good for Santa’s reindeer. You’ve likely read about rising global temperatures melting the polar ice caps. While Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen are total aces in the sky, they sure as hell can’t swim. Looks like we better start rewriting that song: “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reind...


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Jeff Bezos Wife Discovers Amazon Receipt for New "Alive Girl" Online

By Harry Weinstein    Jan. 16, 2019   

This past Sunday, Jeff Bezos’s wife of 25 years, MacKenzie, found something extra when she was checking the couple’s order backlog. “I was just scrolling through our Amazon orders, wondering if the Upright GO Posture Trainer(TM) I’d ordered four weeks ago had come in, and there it was: one alive girl. I’m beyond words, horrified. To think the man you love could use Amazon like this. I’ve learned y...


Campus Gargoyles Begin Winter Migration to Warmer Weather

By Nico Aldape    Dec. 28, 2018   

In a ritual as annual as Lollapalooza, other animals’ migrations, or Seasonal Affective Disorder, the University of Chicago’s gargoyles have begun their seasonal trip to hotter locales. Part of the Gargoylus Carthagodelendaest species dominant in the U.S. and Canada, they tend to migrate towards the American South as well as Mexico.  Though the mass exodus has truly begun with the plummeting tempe...


Santa Looking to Split Uber from Midway

By Emily Feigenbaum    Dec. 26, 2018   

After a long night of delivering Christmas presents to the bright-eyed children of the world, Santa Claus is heading back home to Hyde Park later today and is looking to split an Uber with someone from Chicago Midway International Airport to campus. Santa’s flight gets in at around 1:45 p.m., but he’s flexible. Just let him know! Forty minutes before his Southwest flight from the North Pole to Chi...


Days Before Christmas, Santa Claus Forced to Halt Gift Production Due to Government Shutdown

By Delilah Stellavic    Dec. 23, 2018   

When President Trump vetoed the Congressional budget plan that would have kept the federal government functioning through the end of 2018, he ensured the temporary closure of ten public agencies — among them, Santa’s workshop, indefinitely halting the assembly line production of holiday presents and placing over 400,000 elves on involuntary furlough just days before Christmas.  “Trump’s vanity shu...


Op-Ed: Eight Nights is a Little Excessive

By Sam Nitkin    Dec. 8, 2018   

Growing up a young Jewish boy in a predominantly Christian area, I get it. You never had a Christmas tree. Your attempts to get your dad to hang up “Hanukkah lights” on the roof were met with him telling you he wishes you had never been born. Mariah Carey doesn’t sing any songs about your holiday. I understand, you’re a bit jealous. But don’t you think having eight nights of Chanukah is overcompen...


Campus Casualties Escalate in War on Christmas

By Rahul Gupta    Dec. 5, 2018   

Dozens of students were sent to the University of Chicago hospital after a heated debate over the holiday season exploded into yet another battle in the global War on Christmas. Twenty-three students suffered serious sword wounds and burns, while another twenty students received at least minor cuts and abrasions. A spokesperson for the University of Chicago Police Department provided a statement t...


Is He Flirting With You or Just Promoting an IOP Event?

By Emily Feigenbaum    Dec. 5, 2018   

Dating at UChicago can be difficult. Sometimes it’s not so clear whether that special person is demonstrating an interest in you or if he’s drumming up attention for an event at the Institute of Politics in order to ignite a passion for public service amongst college students. Ugh, don’t you just hate mixed signals? If you’re having trouble navigating the uncertainty of campus romance, here are so...


Kim and Kanye West Move to Hyde Park

By Sylvia Ebenbach    Dec. 5, 2018   

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have already begun their move to the cold, dreary city of Chicago and have chosen an optimal location that fully embodies the weather: the University of Chicago. They decided to trade the internalized sadness of Californians for the outward displeasure of UChicago students.  The power couple has been spotted around campus, but it’s hard to tell the difference between...


Trump Dodges Battle for House, Blames Bone Spur

By John Buterbaugh    Dec. 5, 2018   

With shades of the seventies, Donald Trump managed to dodge responsibility for yet another conflict: this time, the battle for the U.S. House of Representatives. At a press conference held Saturday, the President called the midterm elections which swept Democrats into control of the House “a tremendous, Vietnam-level victory.”  When questioned by the press about the loss of a projected 40 seats, T...