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Dean Boyer's Tender Embrace

New Residence Hall Located in Dean Boyer's Tender Embrace

In response to the recent housing crisis at the University, College Housing has announced that, as of the 2018-2019 school year, students may apply to live in the loving arms of Dean John Boyer. The residence, named Boyer Residential Commons (BRC), accommodates two to three students, all of whom will share in a protracted hug with the Dean of the College for the duration of the academic year.  In...


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Four Freakish Stress-Induced Bodily Phenomena You Will Experience at This School

By Ella Hester    Sept. 24, 2018   

Chronic "Gym Bro" Syndrome Some experts say that exercise is an incredibly efficient stress reliever. But they weren't conducting their studies here in The Upside Down! Some will fall into an addictive cycle of stress, lift, stress, lift, while for others it will be stress, zumba, stress, zumba, whatever rocks your frigid boat! You will make ALL the gains while furiously scrolling through Twitter...


UChicago Unveils New "Disorientation" Week

By Jacob Johnson    Sept. 24, 2018   

In an arguably predictable turn of events this week, the UChicago Dean of Students John "Jay" Ellison announced that the College would no longer be holding Orientation Week. It has been replaced by Disorientation Week, an opening week for first-year students aimed specifically at causing them as much panic and confusion as possible within a seven-day span. “Like I said before,” commented Ellison...


Seven Places You MUST Barf This O-Week

By Deblina Mukherjee    Sept. 24, 2018   

Navigating the University's historic campus can be hard, especially during the hustle and bustle of O-Week! To learn your way around, here are the seven places you MUST barf this O-Week:  1. David and Reva Logan Center For The Arts The David and Reva Logan Center For The Arts, or as I like to call it, "The David and Reva Logan Center For The Arts," is the center of artistic and creative life here...


How to Maximize Your O-Week Merch Haul

By Claire Holland    Sept. 24, 2018   

Hello, first years! We’re going to start the year with an important lesson: Contrary to what others may tell you, the goal of O-Week is not to “acclimatize to college life” or “make new friends,” whatever that means, but to squeeze so much free shit from college events that even the most extreme of hoarders would weep at the sight of your merch pile. Unless your dorm room is rendered completely im...


Man Sues the Sun for $385 Million in Cancer Settlement

By Jacob Johnson    Sept. 24, 2018   

In an unprecedented legal action, Bay Area resident Thomas Harshburger filed a complaint today against none other than the Sun, the well-known star orbited by planet Earth. In a formal statement submitted to the courts, Harshburger cited numerous grievances, including sunburns, freckling, and darkening of the skin as evidence that the Sun’s activities ultimately caused his basal cell carcinoma to...


Don't Miss This Deal! Housing Offers Three Roommates for the Price of One

By Andy Hatem    Sept. 24, 2018   

Trying to decide if you should stay in housing next year? Check College Housing’s site for a deal you won’t want to miss! In the past, a big difference in cost has led many students to move off campus. But Housing is looking to turn things around with a new three-for-one special. Now, students can pay housing rates for a double room and live with three new friends instead of one! “We’re excite...


First Impressions: Writing a Bomb AF SOSC Essay

By Ella Hester    Sept. 24, 2018   

Look at you, in your little first year boots, squealing in terror about the impression you'll make with your first SOSC essay. Have no fear, baby dolls! All you need to know to ace the most important essay of your young life is this: you need to define your terms. It's as simple as that! This goes for any essay you will ever write at UChicago and any argument you will have for the rest of your lif...


Dear Dealer: How Do I Handle my Podcast-Crazy Roomie?

By Dirk Lazenby    Sept. 24, 2018   

Dear Shady Dealer, During some routine Facebook stalking I discovered that my soon-to-be-roommate is a podcast fanatic. I don’t want to be rude or close-minded, but I’m reluctant to sit patiently nodding while he describes the latest must-listens. What should I do? Sincerely, Concerned First Year Dear Concerned First Year, First of all, know that your qualms are valid, and that there is...


US News Ranked Us #3 For a Reason: Here's How to Pee and Poop at the Same Time

By David North    Sept. 24, 2018   

This year, in their annual college rankings, U.S. News awarded the University of Chicago a seven-way tie for third-best university. The University of Chicago consistently tops these college rankings for a reason: we can pee and poop at the same time. But trust us, it wasn’t easy. I didn’t know how to pee and poop at the same time myself when I first got here. But now I've learned, and I’m here to...