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Climate Change PSA: Reindeer Can Fly, But They Sure as Hell Can't Swim

Baby, it’s cold outside! But not for much longer. Climate change is reaching the North Pole, and it’s not looking good for Santa’s reindeer. You’ve likely read about rising global temperatures melting the polar ice caps. While Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen are total aces in the sky, they sure as hell can’t swim. Looks like we better start rewriting that song: “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reind...


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Top 6 Things to Do This MLK Day If You Don't Have a Date

By Christian Villanueva    Jan. 21, 2019   

Another year, another Martin Luther King Day without a date. Have you tried every way to get a date who can revere a great American hero with you? Has your self-esteem gone down because of your inability to honor the famed late civil rights activist with a special someone? Do you stare longingly into the distance over the New York Sound searching for the green light that marks the home of your for...


Forget Kuvia: Here are 8 Easy Ways to Get a Free T-Shirt on Campus

By Sam Nitkin    Jan. 21, 2019   

6:00 am. Tuesday, January 15, 2019. A couple hundred students rise before the sun and shuffle into Henry Crown Field House to do suspiciously cult-like “sun salutations.” And all for what? A Capri Sun? House spirit? No, the students are there for one reason and one reason alone. That elusive Kuvia T-Shirt. Only those who brave the cold and the drowsiness for five days straight capture the illust...


Jeff Bezos Wife Discovers Amazon Receipt for New "Alive Girl" Online

By Harry Weinstein    Jan. 16, 2019   

This past Sunday, Jeff Bezos’s wife of 25 years, MacKenzie, found something extra when she was checking the couple’s order backlog. “I was just scrolling through our Amazon orders, wondering if the Upright GO Posture Trainer(TM) I’d ordered four weeks ago had come in, and there it was: one alive girl. I’m beyond words, horrified. To think the man you love could use Amazon like this. I’ve learned y...


Campus Gargoyles Begin Winter Migration to Warmer Weather

By Nico Aldape    Dec. 28, 2018   

In a ritual as annual as Lollapalooza, other animals’ migrations, or Seasonal Affective Disorder, the University of Chicago’s gargoyles have begun their seasonal trip to hotter locales. Part of the Gargoylus Carthagodelendaest species dominant in the U.S. and Canada, they tend to migrate towards the American South as well as Mexico.  Though the mass exodus has truly begun with the plummeting tempe...


Santa Looking to Split Uber from Midway

By Emily Feigenbaum    Dec. 26, 2018   

After a long night of delivering Christmas presents to the bright-eyed children of the world, Santa Claus is heading back home to Hyde Park later today and is looking to split an Uber with someone from Chicago Midway International Airport to campus. Santa’s flight gets in at around 1:45 p.m., but he’s flexible. Just let him know! Forty minutes before his Southwest flight from the North Pole to Chi...


Days Before Christmas, Santa Claus Forced to Halt Gift Production Due to Government Shutdown

By Delilah Stellavic    Dec. 23, 2018   

When President Trump vetoed the Congressional budget plan that would have kept the federal government functioning through the end of 2018, he ensured the temporary closure of ten public agencies — among them, Santa’s workshop, indefinitely halting the assembly line production of holiday presents and placing over 400,000 elves on involuntary furlough just days before Christmas.  “Trump’s vanity shu...


Op-Ed: Eight Nights is a Little Excessive

By Sam Nitkin    Dec. 8, 2018   

Growing up a young Jewish boy in a predominantly Christian area, I get it. You never had a Christmas tree. Your attempts to get your dad to hang up “Hanukkah lights” on the roof were met with him telling you he wishes you had never been born. Mariah Carey doesn’t sing any songs about your holiday. I understand, you’re a bit jealous. But don’t you think having eight nights of Chanukah is overcompen...


"I Don't Live in a Bubble!" Student Tweets from Mansueto

By Sam Nitkin    Dec. 5, 2018   

At 12:38 p.m. on Wednesday, November 27, first-year student Katherine Blake tweeted to her 891 followers, “I don’t live in a bubble!” from the interior of the Joe and Rika Mansueto Library Reading Room. Katherine, originally from Los Angeles, California, was using Twitter to procrastinate on doing her "Earth as a Planet" problem set. Katherine had chosen Mansueto because the glass dome provided wa...


I Just Wanna Find Someone to Have the Lady and the Tramp Kiss With, But With a Line of Blow Instead of Spaghetti

By Nico Aldape    Dec. 5, 2018   

Ah yes, the shining moment in one of the best of Disney’s nineties Golden Age films, a breaking down of class barriers between rascally mutts and elegant Cocker Spaniels: Lady and the Tramp. The spaghetti noodle kiss is one of the most well-known scenes of a Disney movie, or any movie in general.  Many a couple have tried to replicate this with Instagram boomerangs, but alas, many make mistakes in...