Top 6 Things to Do This MLK Day If You Don't Have a Date
By Christian Villanueva Jan. 21, 2019
Another year, another Martin Luther King Day without a date. Have you tried every way to get a date who can revere a great American hero with you? Has your self-esteem gone down because of your inability to honor the famed late civil rights activist with a special someone? Do you stare longingly into the distance over the New York Sound searching for the green light that marks the home of your for...
Jeff Bezos Wife Discovers Amazon Receipt for New "Alive Girl" Online
By Harry Weinstein Jan. 16, 2019
This past Sunday, Jeff Bezos’s wife of 25 years, MacKenzie, found something extra when she was checking the couple’s order backlog. “I was just scrolling through our Amazon orders, wondering if the Upright GO Posture Trainer(TM) I’d ordered four weeks ago had come in, and there it was: one alive girl. I’m beyond words, horrified. To think the man you love could use Amazon like this. I’ve learned y...
Campus Gargoyles Begin Winter Migration to Warmer Weather
By Nico Aldape Dec. 28, 2018
In a ritual as annual as Lollapalooza, other animals’ migrations, or Seasonal Affective Disorder, the University of Chicago’s gargoyles have begun their seasonal trip to hotter locales. Part of the Gargoylus Carthagodelendaest species dominant in the U.S. and Canada, they tend to migrate towards the American South as well as Mexico. Though the mass exodus has truly begun with the plummeting tempe...
Santa Looking to Split Uber from Midway
By Emily Feigenbaum Dec. 26, 2018
After a long night of delivering Christmas presents to the bright-eyed children of the world, Santa Claus is heading back home to Hyde Park later today and is looking to split an Uber with someone from Chicago Midway International Airport to campus. Santa’s flight gets in at around 1:45 p.m., but he’s flexible. Just let him know! Forty minutes before his Southwest flight from the North Pole to Chi...
Days Before Christmas, Santa Claus Forced to Halt Gift Production Due to Government Shutdown
By Delilah Stellavic Dec. 23, 2018
When President Trump vetoed the Congressional budget plan that would have kept the federal government functioning through the end of 2018, he ensured the temporary closure of ten public agencies — among them, Santa’s workshop, indefinitely halting the assembly line production of holiday presents and placing over 400,000 elves on involuntary furlough just days before Christmas. “Trump’s vanity shu...
Op-Ed: Eight Nights is a Little Excessive
By Sam Nitkin Dec. 8, 2018
Growing up a young Jewish boy in a predominantly Christian area, I get it. You never had a Christmas tree. Your attempts to get your dad to hang up “Hanukkah lights” on the roof were met with him telling you he wishes you had never been born. Mariah Carey doesn’t sing any songs about your holiday. I understand, you’re a bit jealous. But don’t you think having eight nights of Chanukah is overcompen...
"I Don't Live in a Bubble!" Student Tweets from Mansueto
By Sam Nitkin Dec. 5, 2018
At 12:38 p.m. on Wednesday, November 27, first-year student Katherine Blake tweeted to her 891 followers, “I don’t live in a bubble!” from the interior of the Joe and Rika Mansueto Library Reading Room. Katherine, originally from Los Angeles, California, was using Twitter to procrastinate on doing her "Earth as a Planet" problem set. Katherine had chosen Mansueto because the glass dome provided wa...
How To Tell Your Parents You're a Philosophy Major Now
By Jean-Jacques Buterbaugh Dec. 5, 2018
You got home for winter break the other day but you can feel a lingering tension in the air. Your parents seem excited to see you but they can feel that you’ve changed. You know you have to tell them. Your legs are shaking. Your stomach is turning. This is the moment. After hiding yourself for so long, you’re finally going to tell them. This winter break, you're finally going to turn to them and...
Review: Eating an Entire Jar of Nutella in One Sitting
By Calpernia Higginbotham Dec. 5, 2018
You’ve done it. Everyone’s gone for the day—for classes, whatever that means. No one around, no one to bother you. You’ve got the apartment all to yourself. Your eyes lock on the cupboard door, a once unremarkable object turned titillating at the thought of what lies behind it. You pull on the handle, swing it open, and there, sitting on the shelf, it is: a 13-ounce jar of Nutella. Unopened, and a...