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Student Accidentally Calls Former Second-Grade Teacher “Professor,” Dies of Shame
The accident occurred at the Target in Pepper Pike, Ohio, while Cavendish was visiting home. “I hadn’t seen Miles in years, so I went up to him and said hello,” Finklewhite said through…
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Trump organizes GoFundMe to buy Greenland
If Denmark refuses to sell its territory, the funds may be used to purchase enough votes of Greenlanders to force them to sell. Details about the last part are unclear (given the decision…
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Heartwarming: SGFC Gives RSO $7.49 for Trip to Washington, D.C.
“We’d already tried a bake sale, a hot cocoa sale, a silent auction,” Poynting said. “We even sold tickets to our debate on energy policy! But we just weren’t raising money.” As a…
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Trump Vows War to Last No More than 6 Weeks/5 Minutes/17 Years
“This is gonna be over so fast, you’re not even gonna believe it,” Trump told a gaggle of reporters. “This is gonna be—look, in six weeks, this is gonna be done. History. OK?…
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Heartwarming: Student Saves World with Donation to Group Tabling in Reynolds
“The UChicago World-Saving Club’s mission is to save the world,” said Jamie “The Guy Who Was Tabling Last Week” Ulrich. “And we mean that literally. Like, an asteroid was hurtling towards Earth. We…
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University to Require Incoming Students to Sign Waiver to Use Cobb Staircase
Students call the policy “short-sighted” and “blame-shifting bullshit.” “A waiver’s not gonna fix the fact that you feel like you’re going to slip and die every time you have to run down the…
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Top 5 Things Making a Comeback in 2026
Measles - The rash is in! Coming soon to a local child near you (now complete with Nicole Kidman-style intro!)
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I-House Bake Sale Raises Enough Money to Move Building Closer to Campus
Due to the runaway success of the recent I-House bake sale, the dorm has raised enough money to move their entire building into the Midway. The new location, right beside the Midway Skating…
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“Never Heard of That Movie”: The Top 5 Things You Say When the Oscars Are On
Everyone would agree that the Oscars are definitely an efficient event. Absolutely no bloating whatsoever. And while the Academy promises to limit speakers’ speech time… there’s always that one guy who can’t shut…
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2016 Elections 2.0: This Time It’s Personal
“The people of America will determine once and for all whether I pleased Bubba the most,” Donald Trump said. “I talked to my good friend Putin and he told me, Donald, you give…
