77-Year-Old Sanders Announces Measured Walk for Presidency
By John Buterbaugh Feb. 23, 2019
In what could only be described as a “spirited” address to (commie) Vermont Public Radio, Independent Senator Bernie Sanders announced that, after considering it with his wife and grandchildren, taking some blood pressure pills, and yelling at those damn Johnson kids to get off his lawn, he’s decided to launch a “measured walk” for the presidency in 2020. Before his speech, Sanders informed t...
Karl Lagerfeld Distraught to Discover Heaven Uniform Includes Sweatpants
By Sophia Lubarr Feb. 20, 2019
Karl Lagerfeld, legendary Chanel director and force unto himself, passed away today at a very fashionable and critically acclaimed 85. A source informed the Dealer that Lagerfeld swept up the tunnel to the Pearly Gates in his signature slim suit, ponytail and sunglasses. “I’m not wearing these sunglasses because of the blinding light at the end of this tunnel. I’m wearing them because they...
Introducing: Datamatch <3
By Chicago Shady Dealer Romance Division Feb. 6, 2019
Alright. Real talk. No jokes. Knock-Knock. Who's there? Love, motherfucker. We did the research, -- well actually, the Maroon did -- but things aren’t looking good at UChicago. Two-thirds of us are single. Unacceptable. And even fewer of us have more than two friends that aren’t in a study group. Barely even -ceptable. We here at the Shady Dealer are tired of living as overworked virgins, and w...
Word of the Week: Schadenfreude
By Drew Landrowski Feb. 3, 2019
Ever heard of banging a ‘uey? Do you like jimmies on your ice cream? Super Bowl LIII is upon us, so now’s the time to learn some useful new terms about our buds from New England. In the spirit of the American melting pot, the word of the week comes from the nation of Germany. An amalgamation of the word for “joy” and “harm,” schadenfreude reflects “ experience of pleasure, joy, or self-satisfactio...
They Can Cancel Bar Night, But They Can Never Cancel Me Dancing Drunk And Alone On A Wednesday Night
By Harry Weinstein Jan. 30, 2019
Alpha Delt may have cancelled this week’s bar night because of a polar vortex, but they will not stop me from spending my Wednesday nights like I always do. They can try to remove the room, the music, and even the people from the equation, but they will never stop me from dancing alone and hating myself in a stranger's basement. Tonight I plan to go on like usual. Dancing and drinking, and then dr...
All University Classes Canceled this Wednesday, Except for Your 8:30 Calc Lecture
By Thomas Noriega Jan. 29, 2019
Heeding warnings from the National Weather Service, the entire student body, and whatever feeble vestige of compassion remains in President Zimmer’s heart, the University of Chicago has formally canceled all classes on Wednesday except for your 8:30 section of Calc 15200. The email, sent out on Monday, reads as follows: “Due to extreme weather, all classes and non-essential activities, except for...
First Year Drops HUMA, Claims It Does Not ‘Spark Joy’
By Emily Feigenbaum Jan. 23, 2019
Inspired by the KonMari organizational methods popularized by the Netflix series “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo,” a first-year in the College announced that she will drop her HUMA class because it “does not spark joy.” The KonMari method is trifold, beginning with the decluttering of clothing and moving on to books, papers, and komono (miscellaneous). The goal is to sort through each item, determine...
Top 6 Things to Do This MLK Day If You Don't Have a Date
By Christian Villanueva Jan. 21, 2019
Another year, another Martin Luther King Day without a date. Have you tried every way to get a date who can revere a great American hero with you? Has your self-esteem gone down because of your inability to honor the famed late civil rights activist with a special someone? Do you stare longingly into the distance over the New York Sound searching for the green light that marks the home of your for...
Forget Kuvia: Here are 8 Easy Ways to Get a Free T-Shirt on Campus
By Sam Nitkin Jan. 21, 2019
6:00 am. Tuesday, January 15, 2019. A couple hundred students rise before the sun and shuffle into Henry Crown Field House to do suspiciously cult-like “sun salutations.” And all for what? A Capri Sun? House spirit? No, the students are there for one reason and one reason alone. That elusive Kuvia T-Shirt. Only those who brave the cold and the drowsiness for five days straight capture the illust...