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All It Took Was Melting in My Car to Realize That I Am a Robot

95 degrees and climbing. It is very hot in this car. I can only assume that these words I write will be some of my last if the tall human with human hair and skeleton does not return from the human fuel building soon. Being a human is scary in that way – we are victims of chance and heat. As well as oil changes and battery shortages. I will write again soon. 98 degrees. I fear that my body t...


Trump Nominates Unborn Fetus to Supreme Court

By Zachary Spitz    July 3, 2018   

President Trump announced his choice to replace retiring Justice Anthony Kennedy: a twelve-week-old fetus. By nominating the fetus, Mr. Trump opted to look beyond his publicized list of potential nominees and made a choice that will shape the Supreme Court for the next 78.8 years, on average. Mr. Trump’s decision raised some eyebrows in the legal world, as the nominee has no eyebrows of its own. T...

The Chicago Shady Dealer's Day-After-Father's-Day Gift Guide

By The News Desk    June 18, 2018   

Forgot to get your dad a Father’s Day gift? Forgot that Father’s Day was yesterday? Well, if you’re a shitty child, the Chicago Shady Dealer has got the list for you! Introducing the Day-After-Father’s-Day gift list, which, according to our #1 fan and Daddy of the Year, Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte, “Made me the satisfied and happy-go-lucky man--and father--I am today.” So, without further...

From Russia with Language Barriers: 2018 World Cup Coverage

By Diego Matamoros    June 18, 2018   

We here at the Shady Dealer are proud to present our coverage of the 2018 World Cup, the most notable sporting event in Vladimir Putin's Russia since the introduction of professional political imprisonment in the early 2000s. In what promises to be an exciting and soccer-filled soccer tournament, 31 of the world’s top teams --and Saudi Arabia--have descended upon Russia to see who will become worl...

Off-Campus Apartment Fails Health Inspection

By Clarence Burrough    May 25, 2018   

The residents of 5743 South Cornell awoke to a health inspector knocking on their door this past Tuesday. Working quickly, the inspector documented eighteen violations, three of which were unidentifiable smells that “must have been something real nasty we just couldn’t find.” The residents were told to correct the violations before a surprise re-inspection in the weeks to come. This inspection cam...

Student Government: U-PASS to Be Replaced by U-BER

By Ella Hester    May 25, 2018   

Starting in the 2018-2019 school year, students in the College will have the option of choosing an alternative to the U-PASS: the U-BER. This new program will cover all Uber expenses for students on rides that are valued below $5 and above $25. The initiative was proposed by a Student Government member who remarked in a meeting, "Where even is the Red Line, anyway?"  The campus is divided over...

A Farewell Letter

By The Editors    May 25, 2018   

Dearest Reader(s),     Over the past year, we have had the humbling, back-breaking honor of serving as Editors-in-Chief for the Chicago Shady Dealer, and we want to give you this opportunity to thank us for all our hard work and dedication. It has been a trying affair and we've sweat through many outfits, but we did it for you, our dedicated readers. We were thrilled to do it, but we feel we deser...

An Ode to Our Only Reader

By Ella Hester    May 25, 2018   

Hey Ed Zamb You're the manb You have a son named Teddy And a heart that's ready To 'like' our pieces Your support never ceases Never leave us, O, Ed You are our bread And butter, while it melts, we have no doubts that Zamborskys will always be almost certainly the backbone-sky of our self-esteemsky

Alumni Association Hastily Shuts Down DMT Garden Following Mass Vomiting, Hysterical Preaching

By Nik Varley    May 25, 2018   

University administrators reportedly shut down the Alumni Weekend DMT Garden following reports of mass vomiting and hysterical preaching. The garden, initially intended as a relaxed environment in which alumni could enjoy hallucinogenic N,N-Dimethyltryptamine, quickly became both a health and safety hazard as visitors collectively regurgitated before succumbing to a religious frenzy.  “We spotte...

Two Second Years in Trench Coat Caught Sneaking into Alumni Beer Garden

By Breck Radulovic    May 25, 2018   

The Alumni Weekend Beer Garden is a tantalizing, esoteric myth among the University of Chicago’s undergraduate student body. The garden baffles college students, who do not yet know the joy of gathering with graduated peers and drinking on the University’s dime. "What lies behind her mysterious white fence," undergraduates wonder aloud as they walk between the Harper and Regenstein libraries. "Wh...