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Trump Nominates Unborn Fetus to Supreme Court

President Trump announced his choice to replace retiring Justice Anthony Kennedy: a twelve-week-old fetus. By nominating the fetus, Mr. Trump opted to look beyond his publicized list of potential nominees and made a choice that will shape the Supreme Court for the next 78.8 years, on average. Mr. Trump’s decision raised some eyebrows in the legal world, as the nominee has no eyebrows of its own. T...


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The Chicago Shady Dealer's Day-After-Father's-Day Gift Guide

By The News Desk    June 18, 2018   

Forgot to get your dad a Father’s Day gift? Forgot that Father’s Day was yesterday? Well, if you’re a shitty child, the Chicago Shady Dealer has got the list for you! Introducing the Day-After-Father’s-Day gift list, which, according to our #1 fan and Daddy of the Year, Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte, “Made me the satisfied and happy-go-lucky man--and father--I am today.” So, without further...


From Russia with Language Barriers: 2018 World Cup Coverage

By Diego Matamoros    June 18, 2018   

We here at the Shady Dealer are proud to present our coverage of the 2018 World Cup, the most notable sporting event in Vladimir Putin's Russia since the introduction of professional political imprisonment in the early 2000s. In what promises to be an exciting and soccer-filled soccer tournament, 31 of the world’s top teams --and Saudi Arabia--have descended upon Russia to see who will become worl...


Two Second Years in Trench Coat Caught Sneaking into Alumni Beer Garden

By Breck Radulovic    May 25, 2018   

The Alumni Weekend Beer Garden is a tantalizing, esoteric myth among the University of Chicago’s undergraduate student body. The garden baffles college students, who do not yet know the joy of gathering with graduated peers and drinking on the University’s dime. "What lies behind her mysterious white fence," undergraduates wonder aloud as they walk between the Harper and Regenstein libraries. "Wh...


TA Rebrands Discussion Section as “Darties” in Hope Someone Will Actually Show Up

By By Dumbo McGonagall    May 25, 2018   

In response to declining attendance and a total abandonment of moral fiber, your TA has decided to take matters into their own hands and has sent out an email informing students that the weekly discussion sections will be changed to “Psi U + [Insert your Major Department here] Present: Alcohol, Real People, and your Midterm From 5th Week You Haven't Picked Up." The aim of this new initiative is to...


Uh Oh! That Kid Just Made a Good Point for Once

By Noah Goodman    May 25, 2018   

THURSDAY 2:00 pm — It appeared to be a typical day in Professor Jones’s section of Self, Culture, and Society. Half the class hadn’t done their reading, Fanon’s status as a Marxist was being discussed, and first-year Christopher Kerber, resident That Kid, was partaking in his patent prolonged patterings. That is, until 2:42, about halfway through the discussion section, when the Shady Dealer recei...


LEAKED: Valerie Jarrett's Class Day Speech

By None    May 25, 2018   

I can almost see itThat dream I'm dreaming butThere's a voice inside my head sayingYou'll never reach it,Every step I'm taking,Every move I make feelsLost with no directionMy faith is shaking but IGotta keep tryingGotta keep my head held high There's always gonna be another mountainI'm always gonna wanna make it moveAlways gonna be an uphill battleSometimes I'm gonna have to loseAin't about how...


Off-Campus Apartment Fails Health Inspection

By Clarence Burrough    May 25, 2018   

The residents of 5743 South Cornell awoke to a health inspector knocking on their door this past Tuesday. Working quickly, the inspector documented eighteen violations, three of which were unidentifiable smells that “must have been something real nasty we just couldn’t find.” The residents were told to correct the violations before a surprise re-inspection in the weeks to come. This inspection cam...


Discreet Mathematics Course To Be Held at 3 A.M. in Undisclosed Parking Garage

By Reed Thurston    May 25, 2018   

According to anonymous sources within the University’s Math department, a new listing has been added to the graduate-level course catalogue for the autumn quarter of 2018. It describes in sparse detail an advanced section of mathematical study available exclusively to students who have completed the Spectral Graph Theory course, and who “know how to keep their mouths shut.” The listing, which was...


An Ode to Our Only Reader

By Ella Hester    May 25, 2018   

Hey Ed Zamb You're the manb You have a son named Teddy And a heart that's ready To 'like' our pieces Your support never ceases Never leave us, O, Ed You are our bread And butter, while it melts, we have no doubts that Zamborskys will always be almost certainly the backbone-sky of our self-esteemsky