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Charlatan Accused of Selling Fake Tulips Found Hiding Buckets of Paint Behind a Windmill
Unless you have decided to establish your domicile under some sedimentary formation, you may have turned your ear to our own fair tulip market. The most popular varietal at this time has been…
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Trump Vows War to Last No More than 6 Weeks/5 Minutes/17 Years
“This is gonna be over so fast, you’re not even gonna believe it,” Trump told a gaggle of reporters. “This is gonna be—look, in six weeks, this is gonna be done. History. OK?…
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Get Your my.UChicago Data Off the Dark Web in Five Easy Steps
When I heard the news, I had a few thoughts. ‘Is Duo really doing anything if something like this can happen?’ ‘How could other people even find my data? I can’t find my…
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Twelve Ways to React When Someone Says Something You Disagree With in Class
If you’re like me, you’ve spent many sleepless nights wondering what you can do when a thing like this happens. Luckily, after consuming what would for a normal person be a dangerous quantity…
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Analyzing Melina Hale’s Welcome Video for Avant-Garde Sensibilities
At 0:05, there’s a little maroon box next to Hale’s name. This represents the dichotomy between thinking “inside the box” and “outside the box.”
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It’s Springtime! Flowers to Sniff, Poke, and Potentially Buy
We’ve checked the data: the increased frequency of sneezing by individuals with pollen allergies, the scratchy evidence left by blood-thirsty mosquitos and other insects, and the month (May). And we feel confident that…
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Duo Authentication Requires New Blood, Urine, and STD Test Sample to Verify Identity; Most People Fail
The effort has been spearheaded by Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr., who has included the new policy in his Make America Healthy Again (MAHA) initiative, stating, “I want…
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Maroon Wins Pulitzer Prize for “Courageous” Reporting on Reg Bathroom Closure
This year’s winning piece, ‘Reg Bathroom Has Been Closed for Five Weeks Now; Probably Getting Fixed Soon,’ reminds us of what’s really important—plumbing.”
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Odyssey Scholars Program replaced by David Rubenstein Sugar Baby Program
Incoming students from low-income backgrounds will be able to come to the school in exchange for their sexual services to the investors of the DRSB fund. At first, the DRSB fund will be…
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An Open Letter to My Professors: If Congress Can Take a Vacation When They Have Work to Do, Why Can’t I?
After all, it’s not like airport lines will get any longer if I don’t finish reading Old Man Goriot by Tuesday. It’s not like gas prices will continue to climb if I don’t…
