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Prospective Student Taken Hostage by Cadre of Hyde Park Squirrels

A spokesperson for the University of Chicago Police Department (UCPD) announced that California Bay Area Resident Ben Miller was taken captive by a scurry of squirrels while participating in an undergraduate admissions tour this afternoon.   Miller, 16, was hoping to apply Early Decision to the College for the Class of 2023.   “All he ever wanted to do was thrive here and explore the life of the m...


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Trump Summons Backup Collection of Balding White Men from White House Storage Cabinet After Sessions Resignation

By Kelly Tsing Sum Lo    Nov. 7, 2018   

Former Attorney General Jeff Sessions, a man described by friends as “the world’s least magical elf”, resigned earlier today in a move that marks the latest in a series of departures from the President's cabinet.  In an official statement, the administration asserted that President Trump was already reviewing a list of potential replacements from his "Emergency Backup Old White Guys Collection". “...


"So Do I Just Put It In?" First-Years Unsure How to Vote

By Randy Beans    Nov. 6, 2018   

It’s election season in the United States and millions of Americans are expected to hit the polls on November 6th. For many 18-year-old citizens, this will be the first election they can take part in. On the University of Chicago’s campus, excitement for the elections is high. However, so is confusion among first-years who will exercise their American duties for the first time. “I was really ea...


HVZ-Related Injuries at Record High After New Rule Allows Melee Weapons

By Adam Lowinger    Nov. 2, 2018   

Following a new rule permitting the use of melee weapons, a recent report has shown a rise in injuries among Humans Versus Zombies players.  Humans Vs Zombies (HVZ) is a student hosted game that occurs twice a year. An initial “zombie” player tags a human player, converting them into a zombie. The game ends a week after the surviving humans complete an “extraction mission”, or all humans are dead....


Bartlett Rats Strike, Citing Declining Quality of Food

By Cameron Edgington    Nov. 2, 2018   

As autumn descends upon us and temperatures lower across the nation, animals of all shapes and sizes seek warmth and cover, collecting enough food to last them through the winter. But one particular group, native to the University of Chicago’s Bartlett Dining Hall, has gone on a hunger strike until their demands are met. Indeed, the famed Bartlett Rats have unionized, inspired by the protest held...


Max Palevsky to Donate Another Fifteen Dollars for New Dorm

By Patrick Sheehan    Nov. 2, 2018   

Citing the success of his last "micro-donation," Max Palevsky has decided to devote another fifteen dollars to open a new complex of dormitories at UChicago. President Zimmer, fearful of overcrowding in student housing, is enthusiastic about Palevsky's decision. "We're currently housing kids by having Jim Nondorf point out the window. Whatever he points at, that's where the student will be living...


Area Man "Basically" Off the Grid

By Harry Weinstein    Nov. 2, 2018   

Claiming that he lives independently from social media these days, 39 year-old local resident Matt Dewey said it’s been “pretty freeing to just be here, in the now—and not have deal with all this stuff from a fake ‘virtual’ world.” Dewey now never changes any profile pictures and admits to spending only six hours scrolling through Facebook photos and articles a day.  Whenever relatives and friends...


Bookstore Adds Hard Liquor to School Supply Section

By Oliva Reeves    Nov. 2, 2018   

Following numerous requests from students doing last-minute back-to-school shopping, the UChicago Bookstore announced this week that it will add a selection of liquor to its already-expansive merchandise collection.  The school supply section currently features such necessities as sequined throw pillows, handmade wallets, and one of the five books you need for SOSC. Now, the campus staple plans to...


Security Alert and Other Musings

By Antonia Salisbury    Nov. 2, 2018   

Associate Vice President for Safety & Security, Eric M. Heath, and his lesser known, but equally influential twin brother, Erin N. Heath, are opponents within the world of crime management. For Hyde Park-ers without a CNetID, here’s a recent email from Erin N. to the neighborhood at large. To: Members of the University community From: Erin N. Heath, Associate Vice President of Committing E...


New Doc Film Series: Dean Boyer's Home Movies

By Kyle Oleksiuk    Nov. 2, 2018   

Fridays – Filmes de la Deane            Since the first day he appeared on campus, a total ingénue, his mustache just budding on a downy and raisèd lip, John W. Boyer has proven himself to be the dean we'd dreamed of. A true dean is rare in the halls of academia, but every few centuries, the leather chair atop Harper Tower is depressed by the buttocks of an administrator as firm as Boyer....