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Dean Boyer's Tender Embrace

New Residence Hall Located in Dean Boyer's Tender Embrace

In response to the recent housing crisis at the University, College Housing has announced that, as of the 2018-2019 school year, students may apply to live in the loving arms of Dean John Boyer. The residence, named Boyer Residential Commons (BRC), accommodates two to three students, all of whom will share in a protracted hug with the Dean of the College for the duration of the academic year.  In...


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How to Closed-Mouth Smile at Your Bar Night Hook-Up

By Drew Landrowski    Oct. 22, 2018   

We’ve all been there: you wake up on a Thursday morning to find yourself next to the econ bro who let you take a rip off of his Juul at Alpha Delt the night before. You slide your knee high boots back on and slink out the door so as to make your 11:30 SOSC discussion. As you make your exit, the front desk lady gives you a nod and you disappear into the midmorning sun.  While a long shower may eras...


This Was Never Our Intention: An Official Statement from Quizlet

By Breck Radulovic    Oct. 22, 2018   

To the University of Chicago community, We at Quizlet would like to express our deepest apologies for the vile content hosted on our site in recent months. Our platform was intended to help students learn new information through fun games and useful tools, not to collect the racist, sexist, and frankly boring sexual positions of one Delta Upsilon fraternity. With an event so mind-bogglingly distas...


Bill Clinton Spotted Fighting with FIJI Bouncer

By Diego Pedulla-Smith and Wesley Adams    Oct. 22, 2018   

Students enjoying a lively Saturday night may have gotten a little more excitement than they had anticipated after President Bill Clinton got into a fight with a bouncer outside of the Phi Gamma Delta frat house. President Clinton was in town giving a speech for the Clinton Global Initiative earlier that day, but audience members noticed him walking out at around 9:15, licking his lips and making...


Second Year Attempts to Leave Class for Bathroom, Several Hundred Grad Students Join

By Olivia Reeves    Oct. 18, 2018   

At 11:03 this morning, second year Callie Plimmer found more support than she anticipated behind her choice to leave Gender Civ to use the bathroom, when her grad student TA and 350 other grad students rallied behind her, choosing to also walk out of their classes in solidarity with the bladder movement. Prior to the walkout, Plimmer had consumed a venti cold brew from the Starbucks on 53rd and Wo...


Ariana Grande Add/Drops Pete Davidson

By Diego Matamoros    Oct. 15, 2018   

After weeks of sleepless nights, emotional highs and lows, and one pet pig, the predictions of her academic advisor finally came to fruition: pop star Ariana Grande has reportedly add/dropped SNL cast member Pete Davidson. In true third week fashion, Ariana has chosen to relieve her schedule of Davidson, despite claims earlier in the quarter that she could handle the extra commitment and had alrea...


Richard Thaler Depressed After No Longer Being the Center of Attention

By JJ Zheng    Oct. 8, 2018   

Dr. Richard Thaler, recipient of the 2017 Nobel Prize in Economics, is reportedly feeling depressed after news of the 2018 recipients broke this morning.The Royal Swedish Academy Of Sciences announced earlier today that NYU Professor Paul Romer and Yale Professor William Nordhaus would each receive this year’s Nobel Prize in Economics.Shortly after the winners were revealed, Thaler was seen mopish...


Second Year Attempts to Leave Class for Bathroom, Several Hundred Grad Students Join

By Olivia Reeves    Sept. 29, 2018   

At 11:03 this morning, second year Callie Plimmer found more support than she anticipated behind her choice to leave Gender Civ to use the bathroom, when her grad student TA and 350 other grad students rallied behind her, choosing to also walk out of their classes in solidarity with the bladder movement.   Prior to the walkout, Plimmer had consumed a venti cold brew from the Starbucks on 53rd...


America’s Most European Supermarket, Indeed: Treasure Island Files for Bankruptcy

By Chicago Shady Dealer News Desk    Sept. 29, 2018   

Treasure Island, a Hyde Park grocery store that touts itself as “America’s Most European Supermarket” took its emulation of Europe a step further today, announcing that it was bankrupt after years of serious financial problems. The announcement, inspired by persistent economic turmoil in the EU, has set the store apart as one of the most authentic havens of European culture in Hyde Park.   “We’re...


Humanitarian of the Year Will Show Dining Staff Respect, Courtesy Until Second Week

By Andy Hatem    Sept. 24, 2018   

Some start work before the sun is up. Others don’t leave until well past midnight. The work isn’t easy; staff are always on their feet, and may go hours without a break. Yet so many students take the work of Dining Hall staff for granted. Not Richard Anderson. The first-year student from Naperville, IL, was unfailingly polite to dining staff for the duration of his Pre-Orientation program, never...