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reindeerdrowning

Climate Change PSA: Reindeer Can Fly, But They Sure as Hell Can't Swim

Baby, it’s cold outside! But not for much longer. Climate change is reaching the North Pole, and it’s not looking good for Santa’s reindeer. You’ve likely read about rising global temperatures melting the polar ice caps. While Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen are total aces in the sky, they sure as hell can’t swim. Looks like we better start rewriting that song: “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reind...


LATEST STORIES


Prospie “Pretty Disappointed” to Hear Dad He Spent Entire Tour Talking to Will Not Actually Spend Next Four Years With Him

By Harry Weinstein    April 19, 2019   

After skipping most of his tour on the Quad to hang with incoming freshman Ryan Feinstein’s dad, prospective student Evan Goldsmith was more than a little devastated when his parents told him Ryan’s dad would not actually be attending the University of Chicago as an undergraduate with him. “Not gonna lie, it was pretty shocking to find out I won’t actually be keeping this up with Mr. Feinstein whe...


Op-Ed: So We're Admitting Pretty People Now?

By Drew Landrowski    April 18, 2019   

How do I put this delicately? Uchicago hasn’t always been the belle of the ball when it comes to American universities. In fact, our students have been equated to squirrels, awkward virgins, and everything in between. However, as I near the end of my undergraduate career here, I’ve noticed a quite disturbing trend among underclassmen and prospies alike: they’re getting prettier. I understand that...


77-Year-Old Sanders Announces Measured Walk for Presidency

By John Buterbaugh    Feb. 23, 2019   

In what could only be described as a “spirited” address to (commie) Vermont Public Radio, Independent Senator Bernie Sanders announced that, after considering it with his wife and grandchildren, taking some blood pressure pills, and yelling at those damn Johnson kids to get off his lawn, he’s decided to launch a “measured walk” for the presidency in 2020. Before his speech, Sanders informed t...


Karl Lagerfeld Distraught to Discover Heaven Uniform Includes Sweatpants

By Sophia Lubarr    Feb. 20, 2019   

Karl Lagerfeld, legendary Chanel director and force unto himself, passed away today at a very fashionable and critically acclaimed 85.   A source informed the Dealer that Lagerfeld swept up the tunnel to the Pearly Gates in his signature slim suit, ponytail and sunglasses. “I’m not wearing these sunglasses because of the blinding light at the end of this tunnel. I’m wearing them because they...


Introducing: Datamatch <3

By Chicago Shady Dealer Romance Division    Feb. 6, 2019   

Alright. Real talk. No jokes. Knock-Knock. Who's there? Love, motherfucker. We did the research, -- well actually, the Maroon did --  but things aren’t looking good at UChicago. Two-thirds of us are single. Unacceptable. And even fewer of us have more than two friends that aren’t in a study group. Barely even -ceptable.   We here at the Shady Dealer are tired of living as overworked virgins, and w...


Word of the Week: Schadenfreude

By Drew Landrowski    Feb. 3, 2019   

Ever heard of banging a ‘uey? Do you like jimmies on your ice cream? Super Bowl LIII is upon us, so now’s the time to learn some useful new terms about our buds from New England. In the spirit of the American melting pot, the word of the week comes from the nation of Germany. An amalgamation of the word for “joy” and “harm,” schadenfreude reflects “ experience of pleasure, joy, or self-satisfactio...


They Can Cancel Bar Night, But They Can Never Cancel Me Dancing Drunk And Alone On A Wednesday Night

By Harry Weinstein    Jan. 30, 2019   

Alpha Delt may have cancelled this week’s bar night because of a polar vortex, but they will not stop me from spending my Wednesday nights like I always do. They can try to remove the room, the music, and even the people from the equation, but they will never stop me from dancing alone and hating myself in a stranger's basement. Tonight I plan to go on like usual. Dancing and drinking, and then dr...


All University Classes Canceled this Wednesday, Except for Your 8:30 Calc Lecture

By Thomas Noriega    Jan. 29, 2019   

Heeding warnings from the National Weather Service, the entire student body, and whatever feeble vestige of compassion remains in President Zimmer’s heart, the University of Chicago has formally canceled all classes on Wednesday except for your 8:30 section of Calc 15200. The email, sent out on Monday, reads as follows: “Due to extreme weather, all classes and non-essential activities, except for...


First Year Drops HUMA, Claims It Does Not ‘Spark Joy’

By Emily Feigenbaum    Jan. 23, 2019   

Inspired by the KonMari organizational methods popularized by the Netflix series “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo,” a first-year in the College announced that she will drop her HUMA class because it “does not spark joy.” The KonMari method is trifold, beginning with the decluttering of clothing and moving on to books, papers, and komono (miscellaneous). The goal is to sort through each item, determine...