The Chicago Shady Dealer's Day-After-Father's-Day Gift Guide
By The News Desk June 18, 2018
Forgot to get your dad a Father’s Day gift? Forgot that Father’s Day was yesterday? Well, if you’re a shitty child, the Chicago Shady Dealer has got the list for you! Introducing the Day-After-Father’s-Day gift list, which, according to our #1 fan and Daddy of the Year, Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte, “Made me the satisfied and happy-go-lucky man--and father--I am today.” So, without further...
Did This Article Just Pose a Rhetorical Question in Lieu of an Actual Headline?
By Reed Thurston May 25, 2018
Startling readers and baffling journalistic style guidelines everywhere, you won't believe the answer you hear when we ask the hot-button question that’s on everyone’s mind: Did the headline of this article really just blankly state a pointlessly obvious question, instead of actually conveying any information of substance to its audience? Well we, the intrepid journalists of the Chicago Shady Dea...
A Late UChicago Application Essay
By Chuck Garrison May 25, 2018
For most people, it was simply a matter of checking a box, but for me, it was a deep question of personal identity. Was I technically a Latino? No. Did I consider myself a Latino? Sí. Although I checked the ‘White’ box on the application, this is not entirely true. You see, I’m transracial. The race I was born into doesn’t match the race I feel I am.Psychologists debate the role of nature versus n...
Two Second Years in Trench Coat Caught Sneaking into Alumni Beer Garden
By Breck Radulovic May 25, 2018
The Alumni Weekend Beer Garden is a tantalizing, esoteric myth among the University of Chicago’s undergraduate student body. The garden baffles college students, who do not yet know the joy of gathering with graduated peers and drinking on the University’s dime. "What lies behind her mysterious white fence," undergraduates wonder aloud as they walk between the Harper and Regenstein libraries. "Wh...
Spring Has Sprung: Fijis Quit Breastfeeding for Solid Food
By Antonia Salisbury May 25, 2018
Frarty season is upon us, and you know what that means: barbecued mashed peas and a banana yogurt ice luge. The Dealer began its reporting at the Fiji mansion. Upon our arrival, all the biggest boys were chewing on their toes. This is what 241-month old Fiji social chair, Baby Face McGhee, had to say: “I am a big baby. I just want to be pushed around in a stroller by my mommy.” Stopping to let an...
A Farewell Letter
By The Editors May 25, 2018
Dearest Reader(s), Over the past year, we have had the humbling, back-breaking honor of serving as Editors-in-Chief for the Chicago Shady Dealer, and we want to give you this opportunity to thank us for all our hard work and dedication. It has been a trying affair and we've sweat through many outfits, but we did it for you, our dedicated readers. We were thrilled to do it, but we feel we deser...
TA Rebrands Discussion Section as “Darties” in Hope Someone Will Actually Show Up
By By Dumbo McGonagall May 25, 2018
In response to declining attendance and a total abandonment of moral fiber, your TA has decided to take matters into their own hands and has sent out an email informing students that the weekly discussion sections will be changed to “Psi U + [Insert your Major Department here] Present: Alcohol, Real People, and your Midterm From 5th Week You Haven't Picked Up." The aim of this new initiative is to...
Chief Keef Devours Entire Chicago Rap Scene
By Robby Zissner May 25, 2018
South Side music icon Chief Keef shocked the world this Tuesday when he ate the entire Chicago rap community. Dealer sources report that the incident began when fellow rapper Lil Durk accused Chief Keef of being “all bark, no bite,” to which Chief replied, “I’ll show you bite.” He then stuffed the twenty-two year old trap artist into his unhinged jaws. Since then, Keef has been terrorizing the Ch...
Op-Ed: Bill Gates, Support Journalism On-Campus by Setting Up a Trust Fund For Us
By Ella Hester May 25, 2018
Dear Bill Gates, Thank you so much for buying property near our storied university. We have no clues as to your motivations, so we're hoping you just like us for who we are! We do, however, feel the need to inform you that there is another Hyde Park institution worthy of your support: The Chicago Shady Dealer. When we first heard the clang of one thousand (?) piggy banks ringing out, we im...