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rahm in hell

Rahm Leaves Chicago, Goes to Hell

At a shocking press conference held Tuesday, Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel announced he would not be seeking reelection. Reading from prepared remarks, Emanuel explained his last-minute withdrawal from the mayoral campaign. “I’m leaving Chicago and going straight to hell, baby!” The visibly gleeful Emanuel thanked the City Council for their cooperation as he finally relinquishes the ironclad grip h...


All It Took Was Melting in My Car to Realize That I Am a Robot

By Antonia Salisbury    Aug. 7, 2018   

95 degrees and climbing. It is very hot in this car. I can only assume that these words I write will be some of my last if the tall human with human hair and skeleton does not return from the human fuel building soon. Being a human is scary in that way – we are victims of chance and heat. As well as oil changes and battery shortages. I will write again soon. 98 degrees. I fear that my body t...

Trump Nominates Unborn Fetus to Supreme Court

By Zachary Spitz    July 3, 2018   

President Trump announced his choice to replace retiring Justice Anthony Kennedy: a twelve-week-old fetus. By nominating the fetus, Mr. Trump opted to look beyond his publicized list of potential nominees and made a choice that will shape the Supreme Court for the next 78.8 years, on average. Mr. Trump’s decision raised some eyebrows in the legal world, as the nominee has no eyebrows of its own. T...

The Chicago Shady Dealer's Day-After-Father's-Day Gift Guide

By The News Desk    June 18, 2018   

Forgot to get your dad a Father’s Day gift? Forgot that Father’s Day was yesterday? Well, if you’re a shitty child, the Chicago Shady Dealer has got the list for you! Introducing the Day-After-Father’s-Day gift list, which, according to our #1 fan and Daddy of the Year, Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte, “Made me the satisfied and happy-go-lucky man--and father--I am today.” So, without further...

From Russia with Language Barriers: 2018 World Cup Coverage

By Diego Matamoros    June 18, 2018   

We here at the Shady Dealer are proud to present our coverage of the 2018 World Cup, the most notable sporting event in Vladimir Putin's Russia since the introduction of professional political imprisonment in the early 2000s. In what promises to be an exciting and soccer-filled soccer tournament, 31 of the world’s top teams --and Saudi Arabia--have descended upon Russia to see who will become worl...

TA Rebrands Discussion Section as “Darties” in Hope Someone Will Actually Show Up

By By Dumbo McGonagall    May 25, 2018   

In response to declining attendance and a total abandonment of moral fiber, your TA has decided to take matters into their own hands and has sent out an email informing students that the weekly discussion sections will be changed to “Psi U + [Insert your Major Department here] Present: Alcohol, Real People, and your Midterm From 5th Week You Haven't Picked Up." The aim of this new initiative is to...

Chief Keef Devours Entire Chicago Rap Scene

By Robby Zissner    May 25, 2018   

South Side music icon Chief Keef shocked the world this Tuesday when he ate the entire Chicago rap community. Dealer sources report that the incident began when fellow rapper Lil Durk accused Chief Keef of being “all bark, no bite,” to which Chief replied, “I’ll show you bite.” He then stuffed the twenty-two year old trap artist into his unhinged jaws. Since then, Keef has been terrorizing the Ch...

Op-Ed: Bill Gates, Support Journalism On-Campus by Setting Up a Trust Fund For Us

By Ella Hester    May 25, 2018   

Dear Bill Gates, Thank you so much for buying property near our storied university. We have no clues as to your motivations, so we're hoping you just like us for who we are! We do, however, feel the need to inform you that there is another Hyde Park institution worthy of your support: The Chicago Shady Dealer.  When we first heard the clang of one thousand (?) piggy banks ringing out, we im...

Did This Article Just Pose a Rhetorical Question in Lieu of an Actual Headline?

By Reed Thurston    May 25, 2018   

Startling readers and baffling journalistic style guidelines everywhere, you won't believe the answer you hear when we ask the hot-button question that’s on everyone’s mind: Did the headline of this article really just blankly state a pointlessly obvious question, instead of actually conveying any information of substance to its audience?  Well we, the intrepid journalists of the Chicago Shady Dea...

An Ode to Our Only Reader

By Ella Hester    May 25, 2018   

Hey Ed Zamb You're the manb You have a son named Teddy And a heart that's ready To 'like' our pieces Your support never ceases Never leave us, O, Ed You are our bread And butter, while it melts, we have no doubts that Zamborskys will always be almost certainly the backbone-sky of our self-esteemsky