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Climate Change PSA: Reindeer Can Fly, But They Sure as Hell Can't Swim

Baby, it’s cold outside! But not for much longer. Climate change is reaching the North Pole, and it’s not looking good for Santa’s reindeer. You’ve likely read about rising global temperatures melting the polar ice caps. While Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen are total aces in the sky, they sure as hell can’t swim. Looks like we better start rewriting that song: “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reind...


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Top 6 Things to Do This MLK Day If You Don't Have a Date

By Christian Villanueva    Jan. 21, 2019   

Another year, another Martin Luther King Day without a date. Have you tried every way to get a date who can revere a great American hero with you? Has your self-esteem gone down because of your inability to honor the famed late civil rights activist with a special someone? Do you stare longingly into the distance over the New York Sound searching for the green light that marks the home of your for...


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By Harry Weinstein    Jan. 16, 2019   

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Campus Gargoyles Begin Winter Migration to Warmer Weather

By Nico Aldape    Dec. 28, 2018   

In a ritual as annual as Lollapalooza, other animals’ migrations, or Seasonal Affective Disorder, the University of Chicago’s gargoyles have begun their seasonal trip to hotter locales. Part of the Gargoylus Carthagodelendaest species dominant in the U.S. and Canada, they tend to migrate towards the American South as well as Mexico.  Though the mass exodus has truly begun with the plummeting tempe...


Santa Looking to Split Uber from Midway

By Emily Feigenbaum    Dec. 26, 2018   

After a long night of delivering Christmas presents to the bright-eyed children of the world, Santa Claus is heading back home to Hyde Park later today and is looking to split an Uber with someone from Chicago Midway International Airport to campus. Santa’s flight gets in at around 1:45 p.m., but he’s flexible. Just let him know! Forty minutes before his Southwest flight from the North Pole to Chi...


Days Before Christmas, Santa Claus Forced to Halt Gift Production Due to Government Shutdown

By Delilah Stellavic    Dec. 23, 2018   

When President Trump vetoed the Congressional budget plan that would have kept the federal government functioning through the end of 2018, he ensured the temporary closure of ten public agencies — among them, Santa’s workshop, indefinitely halting the assembly line production of holiday presents and placing over 400,000 elves on involuntary furlough just days before Christmas.  “Trump’s vanity shu...


Op-Ed: Eight Nights is a Little Excessive

By Sam Nitkin    Dec. 8, 2018   

Growing up a young Jewish boy in a predominantly Christian area, I get it. You never had a Christmas tree. Your attempts to get your dad to hang up “Hanukkah lights” on the roof were met with him telling you he wishes you had never been born. Mariah Carey doesn’t sing any songs about your holiday. I understand, you’re a bit jealous. But don’t you think having eight nights of Chanukah is overcompen...


"I Don't Live in a Bubble!" Student Tweets from Mansueto

By Sam Nitkin    Dec. 5, 2018   

At 12:38 p.m. on Wednesday, November 27, first-year student Katherine Blake tweeted to her 891 followers, “I don’t live in a bubble!” from the interior of the Joe and Rika Mansueto Library Reading Room. Katherine, originally from Los Angeles, California, was using Twitter to procrastinate on doing her "Earth as a Planet" problem set. Katherine had chosen Mansueto because the glass dome provided wa...


How To Tell Your Parents You're a Philosophy Major Now

By Jean-Jacques Buterbaugh    Dec. 5, 2018   

You got home for winter break the other day but you can feel a lingering tension in the air. Your parents seem excited to see you but they can feel that you’ve changed. You know you have to tell them. Your legs are shaking. Your stomach is turning. This is the moment. After hiding yourself for so long, you’re finally going to tell them.  This winter break, you're finally going to turn to them and...


Review: Eating an Entire Jar of Nutella in One Sitting

By Calpernia Higginbotham    Dec. 5, 2018   

You’ve done it. Everyone’s gone for the day—for classes, whatever that means. No one around, no one to bother you. You’ve got the apartment all to yourself. Your eyes lock on the cupboard door, a once unremarkable object turned titillating at the thought of what lies behind it. You pull on the handle, swing it open, and there, sitting on the shelf, it is: a 13-ounce jar of Nutella. Unopened, and a...