In a sting operation
planned over the course of seven months, the University of Chicago Police
Department (UCPD) finally took down a massive University drug ring
responsible for pumping more than 30 pounds of pure, raw Prozac into the student
body. This vile drug ring has already proven to have smuggled over 40 million
dollars of unadulterated Prozac to troubled University students, as well as 10
million dollars of alternate antidepressants such as Zoloft and Lexapro.
According to preliminary police reports, the illicit Prozac deals took place mainly inside the CVS Pharmacy on 53rd with the collaboration of corrupt psychiatrists and pharmacists who were willing to bust out a bottle of Prozac for any sad sack. Those poor souls addicted to Prozac have no choice but to take a pill every evening or suffer from horrible withdrawal symptoms that coincidentally are identical to how the addicts felt before taking Prozac in the first place.
“These illegal drugs may seem harmless, but they have long term adverse effects on your health such as happiness and emotional stability,” said UCPD Chief Therman Goodwell with a grimace and a hundred-mile stare. “We will not tolerate any of these vile, well-adjusted ingrates here at the University of Chicago. I’ve personally had to say my final farewells to many a Prozac addict that decided to leave this god-forsaken university.” At press time, the UCPD has announced that they recently finished clearing out all the illicit antidepressants smuggled onto campus and intend to focus their efforts on lesser evils such as caffeine, pornography, and crystal meth.