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Lil Uzi Vert Wins Winter Olympic Gold in Men’s Freestyle

By By Ryan Fleishman
Feb. 20, 2018

In an upset victory sure to define American sports for years to come, Lil Uzi Vert has officially won the Olympic gold medal in Men’s Freestyle at the 2018 Pyeongchang Winter Olympics. As the dark horse competitor for the United States of America, Lil Uzi Vert wowed the world with a score of 97.36. While men’s freestyle has historically been dominated by American competitors such as the Notorious B.I.G. and Eminem, Canadian rapper Drake has brought home the gold medal for the last two Olympic games. The odds were stacked against Lil Uzi Vert: Drake was competing on the top of his game, while Lil Uzi Vert was still recovering from a bad vocal strain he sustained the previous month. In fact, spectators around the world doubted Lil Uzi Vert would even place after an he received an embarrassing technical foul in the semifinals for a failed attempt at rhyming “Hennessy" with “Kentucky.” 

However, Lil Uzi Vert subverted everyone’s expectations and dominated the competition with his unparalleled 16-bars in the short program. The crowd knew they were watching a gold medalist in the making when Lil Uzi Vert started his freestyle with the powerful line, “Lil Uzi Vert’s dick is in a rut / When he sees a hot biddy he finna nut.” Lil Uzi Vert proceeded to drop what many believe are the hardest bars in human history, mixing his unique perspective on the rap game with his unrivaled technique to blow the roof off the Pyeongchang Olympic Arena. Finally, in a moment that will be remembered for years to come, Lil Uzi Vert received a standing ovation after landing a picture-perfect triplet flow. This makes him him the first American to do so at the Olympics since Tonya Harding in 1972. At press time, Lil Uzi Vert has announced plans to melt his gold medal and cast it in the shape of a grill, which he plans to wear every Friday for the rest of his life.