To the lovely people, responsible journalists, and concerned citizens of the Sinclair Broadcast Group:
We understand that your organization is working tirelessly to acquire local news networks, and we believe the Chicago Shady Dealer would be a great candidate for acquisition. You should buy us because you cannot afford to exclude a publication as dedicated to journalistic intimacy as ours is; plus, we already turned down Elon Musk.
We have learned a lot from competing with other publications on a campus so ruthlessly dedicated to free speech, and we can bring that experience undermining our school's core principles to Sinclair. Nothing makes us happier than the opportunity to spread disinformation and pure narrative under the guise of news and truth. We live for scandal and would die for the chance to be a part of your next nationally syndicated piece of state-propaganda. Seriously, we want to be bought so much.
To prove our loyalty, viability, and commitment to your agenda, we've already posted your latest "must-run" script below. You're welcome.
"Hi, I'm Dan,
and I'm Milena
(Dan) Our greatest responsibility is to serve our campus community. We are extremely proud of the quality, balanced journalism that the Chicago Shady Dealer produces.
(Milena) But we're concerned about the troubling trend of irresponsible, one-sided news stories plaguing our country. The sharing of biased and false news has become all too common on social media.
(Dan) More alarming, some media outlets publish these same fake stories... stories that just aren't true, without checking facts first.
(Milena) Unfortunately, some members of the media use their platforms to push their own personal bias and agenda to control 'exactly what people think'...This is extremely dangerous to a democracy.
(Dan) At the Chicago Shady Dealer, it's our responsibility to pursue and report the truth. We understand Truth is neither politically 'left nor right.' Our commitment to factual reporting is the foundation of our credibility, now more than ever.
(Milena) But we are human and sometimes our reporting might fall short. If you believe our coverage is unfair please reach out to us by emailing ChicagoShadyDealer@gmail.com. We value your comments. We will respond back to you.
(Dan) We work very hard to seek the truth and strive to be fair, balanced and factual... We consider it our honor, our privilege to responsibly deliver the news every day.
(Milena) Thank you for watching and we appreciate your feedback."
So, Sinclair Broadcast Group. We've got what it takes, but can you name the right price?
- Milena and Dan