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Homeopathic Breakthrough! "Expired Advil"

By Milena Pross
Jan. 30, 2019

Throw all your arnica out the window and flush your chamomile down the toilet, folks! The doctors and doctors-adjacent just found the coolest new salve Gwyneth won't stop shouting about: it's called Expired Advil, and it fucking rocks. 

This cure-all comes in pill/tablet form, but don't let that stop you from brewing it into some sort of tea or crushing it with a mortar and pestle, adding a few drops of coconut water, and smearing it all over your open wound. 

A headache that just won't go away, no matter how many Bach Flower Remedies droplets you chow down on? Try knocking back one or two Expired Advils and see how you feel. Sometimes they're little red disks that could be mistaken for M&Ms and sometimes they're little turquoise gel capsules that if you pop on your skin will shrink down a pimple overnight. Both kinds expired in 2014, and both kinds work great.

Or maybe you suffer from tired, weak, exhausted muscles and joints after a tough workout. You've bought out all the cinnamon, nightshade, yellow jasmine, and witch hazel the corner store has to offer, but you're still aching! Polish off the last one or two Expired Advils you've got and see if it makes a difference. Here's a bet - it will!

Period cramps... am I right? Let's say you already tried inhaling straight lavender for four hours and a bowl of steaming hot calendula resting on your abdomen didn't work either. Maybe it's time you consider sipping on somewhere between one and two servings of Expired Advil. Just give it a whirl and complain later!

Still not sold on it? Maybe you're worried Expired Advil is a bit too western and not natural enough? Rest assured -it's expired, so it's FINE. Your $70/month subscription box of rhodiola, ashwaghanda, turmeric, elderberry, milk thistle, and astaxanthin might SEEM like a great deal for pain relief, but when you compare that to an $8 bottle of Advil that'll last for at least ten plus years at the rate you're taking them, it's like you're being robbed. You can even get a generic! It goes by "Ibuprofen" and all you gotta do is buy a bottle, let them sit a few years, and start gulping.