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Grounds of Being Ascends to Heaven

By Jughead Greg
April 20, 2018

Swift

A Swift Rapture

University coffee shop Grounds of Being rose into the sky this past Sunday, in what observers have called the greatest modern miracle since The Wire


The ascension took place just after a public address by Dean of the Divinity School Laurie Zoloth, during which she announced her decision to replace not only the beloved haunt of graduate students, but the entire Divinity School with a Jewel Osco. Dean Zoloth spoke from a third-floor balcony to a crowd of thousands, mostly unlettered tradesmen and peasants, who said that they were “awed to be in the presence of a figure they had previously only seen on coins and in sculpture.” The clouds reportedly parted when she mentioned that the new Jewel Osco would sell indulgences.


Then, all at once, the Earth split open and the coffee shop rose from the earth as a voice from the sky boomed, “CAN’T BE HAVING ANY OF THAT.”


“I guess it really was where He drank coffee,” said fourth year student and former Grounds of Being barista Nostradamus Egglington. “One of the Mug Club members did use the wooden chalice from Indiana Jones and the Search for the Holy Grail, but it always seemed like a joke.”


In all the excitement, however, many failed to notice a number of smaller ascensions that occurred throughout the following night. Fifty half darks from Harold’s Chicken, the top floor of North Campus Residential Commons, and all of Dirt Red Brass Band were seen entering the stratosphere around midnight, and reports continue to pile up. Fearing a major blow to its faculty, the University has chained all of its Nobel Prize economists to the ground, but so far none seem to be in danger of entering Heaven.


Shady Dealer reporters reached out to God in prayer, asking comment on this matter. God simply replied: “SEM CO-OP IS NEXT.”