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Ask Student Health:

By Student Health Services and Student Counseling Services
Jan. 30, 2018

Introducing Ask Student Health!, a weekly feature in which UChicago's very own physicians and counselors answer your health and wellness questions! After your numerous complaints that our services are "too inaccessible", we've decided that the best way to make ourselves available to every student is through this campus wide advice column! 

Got a question? Email us at studenthealthservices@uchicago.edu and allow 4-6 for us to get back to you!

Dear Student Health,

I've been so homesick ever since I arrived at school. All my housemates are making new friends and having fun, but all I can think about is how much I miss the people in my hometown. I'm scared that I'm going to feel this way for my entire college experience - what do you think I should do?

Sincerely, 

Confused First Year

Confused First Year,

Take two Tylenol, a Sudafed and apply a warm compress to the affected area. You should feel better in the morning!

Dear Student Health,

I cut myself and am bleeding pretty strongly, but don't have anything around to use as a bandage. What should I do?

Sincerely, 

Bleeding.

Bleeding,

Under the terms of your enrollment, all of your blood is the property of the University of Chicago the moment it leaves your body. Please mail all of the lost blood to our office at your earliest convenience!

Student Health

Dear Student Health, 

I've had a frequent cough for the last four weeks. I've drank lots of fluids, have been sleeping well and have tried a few different cold medicines, but it just won't go away. I'm worried that if I miss any more class for it I won't be able to catch up on my assignments - what can I do?

Sincerely, 

Can't Stop Coughing

Can't Stop Coughing,

We're sorry, but your FAFSA package does not allow for us to answer this question. There is nothing we can do for you!

Student Health

Dear Student Health,

I think my feet look really ugly and I'm super self-conscious about them. It's gotten to the point where I don't feel comfortable showing them to anyone, which occasionally excludes me from social situations. What can I do?

Sincerely, 

Freaky Feet

Freaky Feet,

We've cross checked your feet against our extensive database of all the feet in the student body, and we've concluded that your feet are in fact super weird! You're in the 97th percentile for weird feet! 

Congratulations!

Student Health.

Note: by reading this column, you have been automatically enrolled in U-Ship. Please submit your first $1,500 payment to the bursar's office at your earliest convenience.