The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

"This Is Just Like Hogwarts," Exclaims Prospie in North

by Chase Harrison

Noting its high ceilings and maze-like design, Prospie Jacqueline Robbins could not stop comparing the newly built Campus North Residential Commons to Hogwarts while staying there for a Prospie weekend. Her exasperated host, 1st year Michaela Fu, noted that Robbins found ways to repeatedly reference Harry Potter, even when the connections made little sense.

“I felt like I was in a CASTLE all weekend,” Jacqueline exclaimed. “Walking through the long, brightly lit white corridors, I was basically Hermione Granger! Everything about North made me know that students at UChicago might be muggles, but there’s magic everywhere in this place! Like when Michaela and I were walking to Baker, there was a gust of wind so powerful, it had to be from a magical source!”

Michaela seemed less convinced. “Look, I took Jacqueline to smoke some weed in the weird circle forest in front of North. I thought it would calm her down; instead, she could not stop yelling about 'doing potions in the Forbidden Forest'.”

North RA Steve Branch seemed equally annoyed. “Jacqueline kept calling me Dumbledore and asking me if I wanted to go to the Dungeon to get Insomnia Cookies. Like, we aren’t Snitchcock…”

Jacqueline went on to cause several more disruptions throughout her prospie weekend. She drew attention for screaming “Troll in the Dungeon” in Baker and for standing on the concrete car in the parking garage and pretending it was flying. However, Jacqueline defended her behavior. “Look, if Jeanne Gang is gonna build basically an exact replica of Hogwarts on campus, I’m gonna treat it as such!”