The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

Bumper Sticker Space on Subaru Forester at a Premium

by Breck Radulovic

Hyde Park resident Patty Nielson, age 55, announced on Facebook that she is running out of room for bumper stickers on the back of her 2007 Subaru Forester. In a strongly-worded post to friends and family, Nielson bemoaned the current political atmosphere. “Every week I get a new bumper sticker in the mail from Planned Parenthood… Greenpeace… the Alt-National Park Service…. and sometimes the DNC! I can’t take it anymore!!1 I’m so (pardon my French) Damn Angry!”

What started in 2007 as merely a habit has grown to an addiction for Nielson, an armchair activist. “Back in ’07, I got a ‘Republicans for Voldemort’ sticker from my friend Diane" she told the Dealer. Shortly after her first sticker, Nielson slapped three different Obama for America magnets on her hatchback. “Well, first I got a simple ‘HOPE’ sticker for donating $3 in the primary, then a ‘Yes We Can,’ and finally a classic ‘Obama Biden 2008,’” Nielson continued. She added slowly to her collection over the years with a vintage “Endless War or End This War?” tag from the Bush years and aberrant, non-political “My Rescue Mutt is Smarter Than Your Honor Student” to amass a sizeable collection.

It was in 2016 that she really began to run out of space. She started off the primary season with a hopeful “Bill for First Lady!” but briefly wavered to a “Feelin’ the Bern!” sticker after watching the first debate. “I was back on the Hil train pretty soon though. Seeing someone else’s ‘A Woman’s Place is in the WHITE HOUSE’ sticker really sold me on Secretary Clinton. GO WOMEN!”

However, as the campaign took a darker turn, Nielson could no longer control her own bumper sticker urges. “Wow. October was a big month for me, sticker-wise. First there was ‘Not This Pussy!’, ‘This Pussy Grabs Back,’ and then just a drawing of a vagina with cat ears. Then, I went to Café Press and got some anti-Trump ones. My favorite was ‘You say Trump 2016. I say nothing! I can’t reason with crazy and I don’t argue with stupid!’ I was running low on space by election day, but I assumed things would calm down pretty quick, and I could stop buying these goddamn stickers!”

History, of course, would prove Nielson wrong. In the early months of 2017 she slowly began to realize her beloved Subaru wouldn’t be able to display all of her political feelings. “I thought about a ‘Not My President!’ one, but I really just didn’t have the room! I needed space to convince everyone to oppose Betsy DeVos, Jeff Sessions, and Neil Gorsuch!”

Of course, some might question if Nielson’s bumper sticker activism is worth anything at all. Most people in Hyde Park already agree with many of Nielson’s opinions, and the rest likely won’t be convinced by a metric-ton of permanent vinyl decals. Don’t tell Nielson that, though. She’s saving that last spot for something really exceptional. “I’ve got my eye on a nice ‘#IMPEACHTHEPEACH’ sticker. That’ll definitely do some good!”