The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

New Divinity School Dean Strings Up Sinners in the Village Square

by Nik Varley

On March 28th, The University of Chicago announced that Laurie Zoloth, a preeminent religious scholar, has been appointed as the new Dean of the Divinity School. Today, as her first act as dean, Zoloth publicly punished and shamed campus sinners in a demonstration on the main quad. The students, which Zoloth described as “enemies of God,” were placed in stocks, branded, whipped with a cat o’ nine tails, and physically reprimanded with a variety of other anachronistic methods.

“When I was offered the position of Dean of the Divinity School, I was overjoyed,” said Zoloth. “At the time, I had no idea that the University of Chicago was a hotbed of sin, blasphemy, lewdness, depravity, and general moral degradation. As Dean of the Divinity School, it’s my duty to restore God’s light to this campus, something which I’m willing to accomplish by any means necessary.”

The student body, which was not informed of Zoloth’s new measures, was taken completely by surprise. Many did not realize the extent of their punishments until it was too late.

“I made the mistake of using the word ‘damn’ in front of her. Next thing I knew, she was after me with something called an 'ear crop',” said shaken first year Daniel Duchovny. “That wasn’t even the worst of it – I saw her put a girl in the stocks for ‘dressing immodestly’. Oh, and the frats are in total disarray. She took one look at DU and immediately set fire to the building.”

After setting fire to the DU house in what she referred to as a “sacred cleansing in the eyes of God,” Zoloth then forced several FIJI brothers into an iron maiden. She later branded members of Blue Chips for “wallowing in the sins of pride and covetousness,” and chained an evolutionary biology professor to a ducking stool for “speaking heresies against the word of the Lord.”

“I am willing to escalate this to the level of an inquisition if necessary,” said Zoloth, donning a black capotain hat. “I intend to stamp out every form of godlessness on this campus that I can, whether it be heresy, indecency, witchcraft, or fornication. Actually, fornication isn’t really that big of an issue here – I guess that makes things a little easier for me.”

Ironically, the only students who have expressed any approval for Zoloth’s disciplinary measures are the members of the Kink Club, who described the new policies as “pretty dang hot” and “long overdue.”

When asked for comment on the apparently University-mandated torture of undergraduates, a representative from the administration responded, “Eh, whatever. Call me if she starts torturing the graduate students.” He then returned to arranging a catered lunch for the University’s board of trustees.