The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

North Korea Can’t Launch Missiles, But You Can’t Even Pull a B-Minus In SOSC

by Nik Varley

Following North Korea’s disastrous missile launch last week, experts have agreed that the country does not have the capabilities to launch intercontinental ballistic missiles, and also that you can’t pull a fucking B- in your SOSC class. Analysts concluded that the international community should not fear the prospect of a North Korean missile strike, but added that you should fear for your GPA, as well as for your chances of landing a halfway decent internship.

“North Korea has made some very bold claims about its nuclear capabilities in recent months, but the truth is, they’re a long, long way from creating functional long-range warheads” said Foreign Affairs Analyst Lisa Lee. “You, on the other hand, are really close to failing SOSC, and you’re definitely not going to crack a C+ unless you start turning your essays in on time.”

However, not all analysts are as optimistic as Lee; many cited the country’s recent switch from liquid to solid rocket fuel as a serious step forward for the country’s nuclear program. They argue that, unlike your SOSC performance, North Korea’s military technology has been steadily improving and could potentially lead to a major achievement.

“You have to give North Korea some credit. Creating an intercontinental nuclear missile is hard – a hell of a lot harder than your Mind class, which isn’t even one of the hard SOSC courses” said South Korean Foreign Affairs Minister Yun Byung-se. “Now, granted, this particular launch was a huge failure, probably a failure on par with the time you begged your professor for an extension and then turned in a paper that was three pages shorter than the minimum. That being said, they’re motivated, they're committed, and they’re getting better. As scary as this is, we’ve all agreed that it’s an attitude you could learn a lot from. If they can create weapons that threaten the stability of the world, you can do your damn Rousseau reading for once in your life.”

Secretary of State Tillerson disagreed, sharing Lee’s outlook. When reached for comment, he stated, “With all respect, North Korea’s missile program is a lot closer to your SOSC performance than Minister Byung-Se is implying. Yes, there have been a few minor successes, but by and large it’s been one devastating failure after another, much like the written assignments you’ve turned in since Fall Quarter. Their missiles have been sputtering for years, just as you sputter impotently in class when called on, having clearly skipped the reading.”

“Look, I don’t mean to come off as naïve or unrealistic,” concluded Lee. “Anything is possible; North Korea could become a major nuclear power, and you could somehow pull a good Freud paper out of your ass and walk out of this train wreck with a B+. That being said, it would take some pretty strong evidence to convince me that you and the North Korean military are not complete fuckups.”

At press time, both you and North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un announced plans to “just take the night off and chill a bit”, confidently assuring associates that you could do your assignments later.