The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

Unopposed Student Government Slate Announces Thousand-Year Reign of Blood

by Thomas Noriega

In an unexpected turn, only one trio of students announced their candidacy for the Executive Slate of the University’s Student Government. The candidates, referred to as the “LIFT” slate, were the only slate to submit their formal bid for election by the 5 p.m. deadline on April 11th, making them the de facto victors before the election has even occurred. The bloc, facing no opposition in their ascendancy to the office, announced plans to ride their absolute victory to a millennium of conquest, guided by their collective iron fist. At a campaign event last Saturday, the three candidates -- second year Noreen Nye, third year Kyle Cutter, and third year David Harrington -- spoke in unison on the development.

All 3 of the candidates were gearing up for a fun, engaging race. “We sought challenge, and found only weakness,” the three said at once. “We were ready to face contest on the field of battle, smiting our foes in glorious combat, but no foes came.” The bloc seemed as shocked by their victory as anyone else. “We are disappointed in you wretched human cowards.” Their voices rose in concert. “Is this great crown worth nothing to you? Or are you simply too weak to bear it with any pretension to dignity?”

The slate then expressed some concern over the future of SG elections. “You foolish mortals had your chance,” they intoned, “an opportunity, however scarce, however fleeting, to resist the yoke of our control. But you were as sheep before a shepherd, rightfully fleeing the crook and its indomitable wielder. Justified though the course of the weak was, think you that we shall forever grant such clemency? Or even allow you the illusion of a choice? Such delusions are but the fancies of the small, crying for mercy before the uncaring tide of fate.”

Of course, a successful write-in candidate could stir up the cut and dried race. On this possibility, LIFT briefly remarked: “All shall be trampled beneath our mighty boot.” They explained, “We came to wage war, and war shall be waged. We invite the peal of its thunder.”

LIFT is also looking ahead to the position they want to take after the campaign ends. “Once we are seated upon your petty throne, your children, and their children, and all the rest of your children’s children’s children shall render homage and service unto us until the stars in the sky grow black. You should praise your great fortune for being allowed to gaze upon our noble front. You should think us gods for suffering your kind at all.” When asked about projects for the administration, LIFT said, “We’d really like to improve services like student health and campus dining. These are super important to a lot of our peers, and it would be great to start making structural improvements at UC. After all,” they joked, “is not even the greatest master weak if they retain broken thralls?”

Some have pinpointed growing interest in study abroad programs and early graduation as reasons for the decline of interest in the executive slate, as participation in either precludes students from running for the office. LIFT has pointed to the frailty of transient flesh as another potential cause.