The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

Best Friend Fails to Justify Crush’s Tinder Behavior

by Morgan Pantuck

Reports indicate that local BFF Miranda Weinberg is rapidly running out of convincing reasons why your crush, Adam Fenster, has not yet swiped right on your Tinder profile. Weinberg, 21, originally argued that your profile simply hadn’t shown up on his phone. However, after a week of radio silence, she modified her position, stating, “[Adam] doesn’t usually spend that much time on his phone anyway,” and postulating that “he was probably just studying for midterms or something.” Independent analysts, however, were quick to point out that the incident in question occurred during 3rd week, making Weinberg’s “midterms” excuse only moderately plausible. After two weeks without a match, Weinberg switched viewpoints yet again, proposing that the boy in question was “intimidated by how hot you are” and possibly swiped left “by accident” or “out of fear.”

This isn’t the first time that Weinberg has offered far-fetched reasons why your crushes have behaved in particular ways. Last year, Weinberg proposed that attractive upperclassman Bryan Sing failed to reply to your “u up?” text due to technical difficulties.

“Maybe he lost his phone?” Weinberg suggested at the time. “Or like, gave up texting for Lent?”

At press time, Weinberg was arguing that Adam might have died sometime in the past week, even though you almost definitely saw him crossing the Midway yesterday.