The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

Prospie Makes Friends for Life

by Chase Harrison

Returning from an eventful prospie weekend, incoming first year Maximilian Rothman of Downer’s Grove, Illinois could not stop gushing to his parents about all of the new friends he made at UChicago. Rothman, who plans on majoring in Math, Econ, and Biology, meticulously narrated all his encounters while intermittently checking Facebook for updates from his new besties.

“I couldn’t believe how cool everyone was!” he stated. “Like I met this one kid Charlie from this school called Stivesaint in New York or something. I never thought I’d be friends with a slick city kid! Oh, there was also this girl from England! Her accent was so exotic. I can’t believe they're part of my crew now!”

Maximilian continued, “One night we went to the Med and got milkshakes! I feel like we are gonna do that every night! Then, on Wednesday night, I went to my first college party! It was called Barn Night because it took place in this dusty house. Well, OK, I didn’t go in the house but I stood outside and there were red cups and security guards and music. It was like the 4th Season of Glee!”

His parents, Sheryl and Herb Rothman, listened in disbelief. “Maximilian has never had that many friends before. But he said he sat in the dining hall he immediately bonded with his friends over similar feelings about Nietzsche and Marx. He kept repeating the phrase 'Life of the Mind'?” Sheryl said. “Sounds like a bunch of nerds,” replied Herb to which Sheryl smacked him on shoulder.

Maximilian ignored his parents as he continued to spew. “I just keep picturing how awesome our future together is gonna be. Maybe our crew will vacation together in Iceland! Or we’ll all be young professionals in NYC after college. Or we’ll force our kids to be best friends too!” The girl who Maximilian identified as his new best friend, Allie Drauth, shared a contrasting image of their future. “Wait who’s Maximilian?” she asked. “Was he the one who forgot my name like 10 times?”