The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

Security Alert

by By Eric M. Heath, Associate Vice President for Safety and Security

Within the past 13 hours, UCPD and CPD have responded to the following 3 extradimensional incursions, all of which appear to be related.

At approximately 11:11 a.m., Monday, March 27 – A University professor inside of Eckhart Hall froze solid for roughly 5 minutes before rearranging his musculature into a spider-human hybrid at the behest of an unknown dark god. The students attending the professor’s lecture reported an inability to control their motor functions, loss of conscious thought, and visions of caverns filled with cyclopean beasts feasting upon human flesh. At 11:20 a.m., the professor escaped northbound across the rooftops in an attempt to arrive at his 11:30 lecture on time. The victims reported no physical injuries but are tormented by horrific prophecies of the fall of man.

At approximately 6:56 p.m., Monday, March 27 – An ancient blood cult unaffiliated with the University began performing sacrificial rites on the main quadrangle. The suspects were armed with rune-engraved daggers carved from bone and a chalice wrought of pure obsidian. The blood cult was preparing a pentacle on the main quadrangle when a member of the Divinity School faculty single-handedly defeated them, armed with only a crucifix and a millennia-old copy of the Book of Job. The faculty member destroyed the pentacle before reporting the event to the authorities. The cult has been detained by CPD, and a hefty fine is being imposed on the organization for attempted temporospatial infractions.

At precisely 12:00 a.m., Tuesday, March 28 – A 100-foot wide bottomless hole unaffiliated with the University opened on the Midway Plaisance, directly adjacent to and partially encompassing the stretch of Ellis Avenue between 59th and 60th Streets. At the time of this writing, an emaciated hand has emerged from the hole and has begun assembling a corporeal form out of nearby matter. Several fraternities have expressed interest in incorporating the hand into their initiation rituals, an act strongly discouraged by the University.

Be alert and be aware of your existential grounding at all times. Familiarize yourself with the location of the University’s emergency phones, and recognize that locations may not remain consistent with our human understanding if the fundamental laws governing our reality are compromised. If you see suspicious activity, please report it immediately to police and the Supernatural Invasion Dean on Call. Visit the Department of Occult Safety and Security’s office in the Z-level of the Regenstein Library for more information about the preservation of our fragile 3-dimensional being at the University of Chicago.