The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

Kid Behind Me Won’t Stop Answering Rhetorical Questions in Class

by Jacob Johnson

“Why would anyone, for any reason, answer a rhetorical question? If you answered that question in your head just now, fuck you- you’re part of the problem.” -Albert Einstein

At approximately 12:47 pm this Tuesday afternoon, resident Ralph Lauren enthusiast Jared Barbosa decided to raise his hand upon hearing his sociology professor ask the question “what more could a person ask for?”. Barbosa then idiotically proceeded to provide a long, in-depth list of other items one could request besides life, liberty, or the pursuit of happiness, which mostly consisted of brand-name food products.

After nearly five minutes of this had elapsed, uneasy glances were exchanged around the room. Jared’s mind-numbingly stupid answers to the rhetorical question showed no sign of stopping.

“I mean, at first I was glad Jared was taking up discussion time,” remarked Beth Overdier, a fellow student in the class. “But eventually it got really, really weird. Like, okay, Jared, we get it. Shut up already.”

This was certainly not the first time Barbosa had infuriatingly answered a rhetorical question. Other phrases, like “Are you kidding me?”, “Does a bear shit in the woods?”, and “Et tu, Brute?” were met by Jared with responses of “No”, “Yes”, and “Maybe?”, respectively.

At the time of this article’s writing, Jared had answered no less than fifteen separate rhetorical questions in the hour-and-a-half class. In this reporter’s opinion, Barbosa should be permanently banned from all discussion participation until he can get his shoddy, ignorant, rhetorical-question-answering life together.

Jared, if you’re reading this, what’s it going to take for you to stop, huh? Never mind. I know you just answered that. Fuck you.