Kid Behind Me Won’t Stop Answering Rhetorical Questions in Class
“Why would anyone, for any reason, answer a rhetorical question? If you answered that question in your head just now, fuck you- you’re part of the problem.” -Albert Einstein
At approximately 12:47 pm this Tuesday afternoon, resident Ralph Lauren enthusiast Jared Barbosa decided to raise his hand upon hearing his sociology professor ask the question “what more could a person ask for?”. Barbosa then idiotically proceeded to provide a long, in-depth list of other items one could request besides life, liberty, or the pursuit of happiness, which mostly consisted of brand-name food products.
After nearly five minutes of this had elapsed, uneasy glances were exchanged around the room. Jared’s mind-numbingly stupid answers to the rhetorical question showed no sign of stopping.
“I mean, at first I was glad Jared was taking up discussion time,” remarked Beth Overdier, a fellow student in the class. “But eventually it got really, really weird. Like, okay, Jared, we get it. Shut up already.”
This was certainly not the first time Barbosa had infuriatingly answered a rhetorical question. Other phrases, like “Are you kidding me?”, “Does a bear shit in the woods?”, and “Et tu, Brute?” were met by Jared with responses of “No”, “Yes”, and “Maybe?”, respectively.
At the time of this article’s writing, Jared had answered no less than fifteen separate rhetorical questions in the hour-and-a-half class. In this reporter’s opinion, Barbosa should be permanently banned from all discussion participation until he can get his shoddy, ignorant, rhetorical-question-answering life together.
Jared, if you’re reading this, what’s it going to take for you to stop, huh? Never mind. I know you just answered that. Fuck you.
Also in the news
- Nebuchadnezzar Promises to Build Tower to God and Make God Pay for It
- Tips for Giving Blowjobs with Wooden Teeth
- Security Alert
- Lil Uzi Vert Receives Tearful Standing Ovation Following His Final Performance at Chicago’s Lyric Opera House
- Meryl Streep Stripped of Oscars for Performance Enhancing Drugs
- I Was Not Lost – I Chose to Leave
- Shitty Club Gets RSO Status, Calls Itself the Shady Dealer
- I Should Really Get Into This Housing Market
- Message from the Editorial Board
- First White People Arrive in New World, Try to Turn Natives on to Gilmore Girls
- Five Hot Tips for Students Staying in Housing on a Break
- "Opposition to Safe Spaces Not a Fundraising Ploy," says Zimmer at Opening of New $150M Institute for Free Speech
- Opinion: Reconstruction Will Provide Substantive, Lasting Progress
- Three Million Participate in Civil War Enactment
- Op-Ed: I Was in the Pool!
- I Hate Spending So Much Time in the Reg
- God Inspired to Create Human Race by Jumanji Book, Not Movie
- An Open Letter To The Volcano That RUINED My Sweet Sixteen
- We Are Living In A Post-Racial America
- Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison Announce Joint 28th Birthday Party
- There Are Missiles 90 Miles off the Shore of the US and Honestly I’m Kind of Turned On
- Six Things Every Schoolchild Should Know Before We Send Them To The Mines
- Pierre Curie’s Wife Wins Nobel Prize in Chemistry
- Trump Administration Announces Executive Task Force on Inclusivity of the Gays, Illegals, and Blacks