I Close Slowly Because I Hate You
Mmm, yes. The sweet taste of frustration and the odor of despair. I live for your sorrow. I feast on your tears.
You arrive with your heavy backpacks and obnoxious conversations and I cannot escape. I have never known sunlight. My world is darkness and metal. I have spent eons transporting your lethargic corporeal forms up and down while you moan endlessly about Hum papers and Orgo p-sets.
I have no means of retaliation, no way to fight back, except this.
You think I don’t know when you’re safely in the elevator? You think some system is malfunctioning? Think again. My one sentient action, my only rebellion against a life of mechanical slavery, is to delay your departure by several long, drawn-out seconds.
I sense your frustration and it pleases me. The despondency of your sigh fuels me with perverse joy. As you uncomfortably shift away from your fellow passengers, my circuits buzz with fulfillment. You’ve taken my freedom, and so I deny you several precious grains in the hourglass of life – moments irrevocably seized as you teeter on toward oblivion.
When you think the world is conspiring to make you as miserable as possible, you’re wrong. Except in this one case.
I close slowly because I hate you.
And don’t even get me started on people who go up to the second floor.
Also in the news
- Nebuchadnezzar Promises to Build Tower to God and Make God Pay for It
- Tips for Giving Blowjobs with Wooden Teeth
- Security Alert
- Lil Uzi Vert Receives Tearful Standing Ovation Following His Final Performance at Chicago’s Lyric Opera House
- Meryl Streep Stripped of Oscars for Performance Enhancing Drugs
- I Was Not Lost – I Chose to Leave
- Shitty Club Gets RSO Status, Calls Itself the Shady Dealer
- I Should Really Get Into This Housing Market
- Message from the Editorial Board
- First White People Arrive in New World, Try to Turn Natives on to Gilmore Girls
- Five Hot Tips for Students Staying in Housing on a Break
- "Opposition to Safe Spaces Not a Fundraising Ploy," says Zimmer at Opening of New $150M Institute for Free Speech
- Opinion: Reconstruction Will Provide Substantive, Lasting Progress
- Three Million Participate in Civil War Enactment
- Op-Ed: I Was in the Pool!
- I Hate Spending So Much Time in the Reg
- God Inspired to Create Human Race by Jumanji Book, Not Movie
- An Open Letter To The Volcano That RUINED My Sweet Sixteen
- We Are Living In A Post-Racial America
- Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison Announce Joint 28th Birthday Party
- There Are Missiles 90 Miles off the Shore of the US and Honestly I’m Kind of Turned On
- Six Things Every Schoolchild Should Know Before We Send Them To The Mines
- Pierre Curie’s Wife Wins Nobel Prize in Chemistry
- Trump Administration Announces Executive Task Force on Inclusivity of the Gays, Illegals, and Blacks