I Close Slowly Because I Hate You
Mmm, yes. The sweet taste of frustration and the odor of despair. I live for your sorrow. I feast on your tears.
You arrive with your heavy backpacks and obnoxious conversations and I cannot escape. I have never known sunlight. My world is darkness and metal. I have spent eons transporting your lethargic corporeal forms up and down while you moan endlessly about Hum papers and Orgo p-sets.
I have no means of retaliation, no way to fight back, except this.
You think I don’t know when you’re safely in the elevator? You think some system is malfunctioning? Think again. My one sentient action, my only rebellion against a life of mechanical slavery, is to delay your departure by several long, drawn-out seconds.
I sense your frustration and it pleases me. The despondency of your sigh fuels me with perverse joy. As you uncomfortably shift away from your fellow passengers, my circuits buzz with fulfillment. You’ve taken my freedom, and so I deny you several precious grains in the hourglass of life – moments irrevocably seized as you teeter on toward oblivion.
When you think the world is conspiring to make you as miserable as possible, you’re wrong. Except in this one case.
I close slowly because I hate you.
And don’t even get me started on people who go up to the second floor.
Also in the news
- Markets in Disarray as Snapchat Shares Disappear After Ten Seconds
- How to Avoid Eye-Contact with Students Trying to Raise Money for Causes You Support
- University Administration Announces New Bullshit, Half Thought-Out Change With No Prior Consultation
- Scientists 99% Certain That Our Universe is Just Someone’s D&D Campaign
- Turning Point? Vanilla Ice Denounces Donald Trump!
- Opinion: If You Eat Prosciutto, You Are No Longer a Member of the Proletariat
- Op-Ed: I Have No Idea How Rechargeable Batteries Work and Neither Do You
- President Trump Holds Press Conference To Read List of Black Friends
- University Upgrades "No Barriers" Program To "Very Tall Ladders" Program
- Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson Loses Wrestling Match To James “The Paper” Thompson
- Student Asks Mugger If He Takes Venmo
- "Golly Gee Whiz, Gosh Darn It," Says Dean Ellison as He Struggles to Stuff the Final Prospie in the Dumpster
- Traffic on the Quad Grinds to a Halt as Two Students Fail to Walk Past Each Other
- Waffle House Replaces Saieh Hall for Economics
- Study from Center for Practical Wisdom Asserts, "This Was a Complete Waste of Money"
- Tragedy Strikes! Area Woman Gouges Chapstick with Chapstick Cap
- University Completes 80-Year Burton-Judson Hyphenation Project
- White House Leaks: Bannon Sends Trump to Bed, and with No Dessert
- Answers to The Four Questions of Passover