The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

Old White Man Painted

by Evan Bernstein

According to sources familiar with the matter, a portrait has been commissioned of Dr. Maxwell T. Pennyweather, President of the University of Chicago’s Wealth Studies program. Pennyweather will be painted in front of a bookshelf sitting next to his dog, Wimberly, in his private study. When reached for comment, the University’s Office of Immortalization provided the following statement:

The Office of Immortalization from time to time honors such distinct and honorable men as are worthy of our respect and admiration. The selection process for portrait candidates is rigorous and thorough so to ensure that only the most respectable and upright gentleman are invited, as Dr. Pennyweather has been, to join their immortal and inspirational brethren in the Hall of Great White Men.

Pennyweather received his Bachelor’s degree in Pomp from Plumpley University in 1967, and went on to pursue a Master’s in Fortuitiveness from the Verywell School, and finally completed a doctoral thesis, 'On the Plight of the Unvirtuous Such and S uches' at the University of Chicago. Pennyweather’s portrait will sit next to that of the University’s fourth President, Charles E. Nobleman on the left and former Dean of Students Alexander C. Poppyswallow on the right.

Pennyweather’s achievements while in Chicago include the Samuel P. Fairbottom award for Fanciness and Proper Behavior and the Arlington J. Wellington award for Excellence in Excelling.

In addition to these prestigious awards, Dr. Maxwell T. Pennyweather IV has led causes for the betterment of the Chicago area including his initiative to teach inner city youth table manners, Forks and Knives for Fortuneless Ne’er-Do-Wells.

A former student recalled fond memories of Pennyweather’s third-year course, Succeeding Meritoriously in an Increasingly Saturated Market. “It was alright I guess,” remembered the student. “Was that the dude with the white hair? I was asleep pretty much always, bro.”

Other UChicagoans who have recently joined Pennyweather in the Hall of Great White Men include Walter W. Waterson, Seymour N. Fancyboy alumnus Wensley Q. Gooderton, and University Trustee Xavier O. Jettingworth. Pennyweather’s wife Penny Pennyweather currently serves on the board of the Underprivileged Vagabonds' Charity. Although she will not be painted alongside her husband of thirty-four years, Penny has always been very supportive of his initiatives. Friends of Dr. Pennyweather have described his wife in archived conversations as “agreeable,” “quaint” and “acceptable.”

The portrait will be an oil on canvas, a contrast to others in the collection, which have been painted using acrylic or water-based paints.