The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

Dean Ellison Is Always Naked Under His Clothes and I Hate It

by Concerned Reader

I wish to call your attention to a horrific fact. John “Jay” Ellison, Dean of Students at the University of Chicago is naked under his clothes. Let me reiterate that for you. He is always naked under his clothes. Always. Whenever he strides past you on the Quad, whenever he addresses the student body, whenever he is in public, he is naked under his clothes. It’s awful. Beneath his garments there is nothing but skin. Whenever you stand in a room with him there is nothing save a few millimeters of fabric separating your vision from his naked, middle aged body. It shocks and horrifies me that this man, with so much responsibility, whose job it is to serve the students of the school regardless of any color, race, affiliation or creed, walks around campus, before G-d and man in nothing save some threads and yarn woven together. Just remember that, between you and Dean Ellison’s skin—which is the texture and color of dried-out mayonnaise—are only a few atoms of cloth. His long, dangly, pendulous, old-man testicles are separated from you by mere grams of material. For all intents and purposes his bare genitals are out there and ready to brush against you at all times. Just think about that when you see this disturbing man. Your speech might be free, but beneath that suit, so is his willy.