The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

Student Health Recommends Mindfulness to Visibly Bleeding Third Year

by Nik Varley

At approximately 5:56 p.m., third-year student Anne Crawford reported to the University of Chicago’s Student Health Services seeking treatment for a sizable abdominal wound. Upon examining the grotesque injury, Student Health Services recommended that the visibly bleeding Crawford “give mindfulness a try.”

“Mindfulness is a wonderful method of stress and anxiety reduction that has done wonders for so many students experiencing the negative emotions Anne is experiencing,” said Student Health Services representative Jasmine Cunningham. “I gave Anne some literature on focused awareness and a few of my favorite guided meditation tapes. I think that in a few weeks, she could really start to see some results.” Counselors also provided Anne with a Moleskine journal and recommended that she record the points throughout her day during which she found herself thinking about her gaping abdominal laceration.

“This is a fairly basic negative thought blocking exercise that can help with clear thinking in stressful situations like dealing with a life-threatening personal injury,” continued Cunningham. “In Anne’s case, we told her to replace thoughts like ‘I think I’m losing too much blood’ with a positive personal mantra that she can use to calm herself.” The counselors concluded their treatment by giving Crawford an anxiety workbook and a challenge to spend the time between sessions “trying to understand her pain and in doing so better control it.”

“I don’t really know how I feel about this all this,” confessed a still-bleeding Crawford. “I mean, I feel like I have a pretty good handle on my pain, most of it is coming from this huge gash in my torso. But who knows, maybe this meditation stuff will work. It sure is a bummer that they don’t have any availability to meet with me for the next three weeks, though.”

“If we feel that Anne’s situation is serious enough that four sessions with student health won’t be enough to treat it adequately, we will absolutely refer her to a professional,” added Cunningham. “But to be honest, we have great faith in the power of mindfulness. I’ve prescribed it for migraines, cracked ribs, mumps and just about everything in between."

She continued, “Anne is already off to a great start. She told us that she ‘couldn’t feel anything,' which means he’s making real progress on letting go of her anxious fixations and attachments.”

When pressed by our correspondent as to whether mindfulness was an appropriate treatment for physical trauma, Cunningham called the accusation “a classic example of worst-case-scenario anxiety” and retreated to her office for twenty minutes of silent meditation.