The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

Six Animals the Div School Wouldn't Allow Me to Give DMT

by Nik Varley

Do animals have souls? Does God speak to them? What happens if you give them a ton of DMT? These are the questions I hoped to answer in my graduate thesis at the Divinity School, but the prudes in charge wouldn’t approve any of my proposals or grant applications. Check out this list of every animal that the Div School wouldn’t let me dose with hallucinogens and tell me that any one of these wouldn’t make for a great thesis.

1. Fish -- I honestly thought that giving DMT to a fish was a no-brainer, but apparently nobody’s really interested in what fish think about God and how that may or may not be affected by DMT. This sucks because I’m actually really curious about what a fish would be like on hallucinogens, especially after I did DMT at the aquarium.

2. Dog -- I’ve already done DMT with my dog a couple of times and was hoping I could just write about that, but apparently drinking ayahuasca tea out of a dog bowl and watching The Holy Mountain “isn’t rigorous enough” for the squares in the Divinity School.

3. Lab rat -- There’s honestly NO good reason for me not to be able to give DMT to lab rats, but the narcs in the biology department shut me down. I tried to explain to them that tripping out with these rats would be way cooler than whatever "AIDS research" they bought the rats for originally, but they wouldn’t budge. Nerds.

4. Gorilla -- So I honestly don’t think this one would generate much useful data for my thesis but holy shit, don’t you want to do DMT with a gorilla? That shit sounds so chill, he’d probably start shaking his big gorilla butt around! It’d be so awesome! I can’t believe you religious studies guys don’t think that sounds awesome.

5. Frog -- Do frogs know about God? Nobody knows, and now no one ever will because they wouldn’t let me purchase 50-100 live frogs for the express purpose of pumping them full of DMT. The frogs are probably going to live their whole froggy lives without ever taking a psychedelic journey of spiritual discovery which is a total bummer, but I guess it’s okay because they’re just frogs.

6. Divinity School Dean Laurie Zoloth -- No matter how much I talk to her about it, Laurie will NOT do DMT with me. I keep telling her that she’ll be way better at studying religion once her spirit guide shows her how every human soul converges into a single infinite point of beautiful light in the pulsing womb of the universe, but she never responds to my emails. Honestly, she’d be way less uptight if she would just trip with me.